discrimination

[aaronlc1]

we as stay at home dads have had many issues thrown in our faces. One people think we are getting away with murder or we have put one over on the wife staying home. But when where the same amount of hours or more it was perfectly normal. I tell peole that I know how to cook, clean and even yes even change diapers. It really is not all that hard to do, and I do a better job at it then my working half. I really feel insulted when people call me mr. mom or something to say that my gender has any baring on raising children. It seems that this is just anythere form of discrimintaion. So I really have not changed my routine much anyway, I still get up and go to the gym, where there is a day care for the kids to play at while I am there, adn I have always did the laundry and cleaned my house. So nothing is different to me, just two extra kids. But women give me wierd looks when i am in the supermarket and I spank the kids for misbehaving, or one time aI was at a fair with my wife and kids and mother in law, the kid got tired so I took the kid and started home. A friend of my mother in law come over and said " oh, my god he is taking the kid arent you worried about that." As though there is no way in hell I could take the kid home, my own child and put them to bed. My mother in law defended my, and my wife told me about, when I got sort of mad my wife could not understand why I was so miffed about it, well maybe it is becasue the world reconises women raising kids. Well we have a waise to go in this fight, so keep up the good work.

[jeffus]

I felt the same way when I started doing this job. And, after much contemplation - I just don't give a damn what anybody thinks about me being a SAHD anymore. It wastes too much energy.

I let the product of my efforts speak for herself. Just moments ago, my next door neighbor complimented my wife & I on what a nice, well-behaved little girl we have. Of course, I'm always proud to hear that from anyone. So maybe I do care what other people think.

[Don-Dad]

Looking and installing a spell checker would be way too much work, hahahaha! I bet there is a spell checker somewhere that can be installed on a pc to check all text for errors.

[Indy]

Google just added one to their IE toolbar. Just click and it automatically checks your web form. Works pretty well, too.

[jeffus]

Thanks for the vote of confidence..

You could type your post in Word and use that as a spell checker and then paste the text into the post.

Or, as I saw on a tee-shirt once, "Bad Spellers of the World - UNTIE!"

[mrandjr]

My mother in law is always trying to make me feel bad for our situation.

I have taken my son specifically to have lunch with his grandma before and had her friend make comments like "well I guess someone has to work"

The other one I always smile at though is when I am out and about with the boy and I hear "Boys day out? or Boys night out?"

I'm always say Sure is! That is the way I look at it too.

[tt3]

Before Leah was born, I was out playing with Tara in the front yard and a neighbor came by and said "oh, thats nice, giving mom a break!" to which I replied, "Heck no, I'm waiting for her to get home and give me a break!" .... "oh"
:lol:

[Remington]

I used to worry a lot myself. People used to say things and it would kind of stick in my brain for a while. But now, I am quite absorbent (if that is the word) to such remarks. The longer I stay at home the more wisdom you gain on the subject and you realize the comments are worthless tidbits.

I have reverted from being standoffish to actually being proud of what I do. I make it my responsibility to educate others what a real SAHD does and not your stereotypical, hollywood make of a SAHD is.

The problem is people think when you stay home you are now the mom. You are not the mom and you can still be a dad.

In my blog I posted something about Be a Dad, Not a Mom, Do it Daddy-Style... (not doggystyle you pervs)

Us Dads need to do things our way and not fall into the rut of mimicking what the mommy did when she was home. This will help. How many moms stay home and build a tree house for their kid?? Not many..

[Patrickz]

What a bad commant comes your way just know that you are taking care of the most important assests in the family. And just T-he inside that you are more then likley more secure and happy then the people making those uneducated comments.

I can't spell worth a S!#@ so all you perfect spellers can :butthead: Ha Ha Ha Ha

[Don-Dad]

I'm not the violent type, but next time you call me Mr. mom, how embarrassing will it be when Mr. Mom kicks your A$$, hahaha!

I have been home over 5 years, at first I got alot of crap, mostly from those jerks who had no life and my parents. They would ask me about every week if I found a job yet. I got alittle lucky that I was making some money with my web business so that stopped.

Again, I mention this a few times a year, when this site first started 5 years ago we had an old style guestbook for a long time and one dad said" Screw them!" ha! Water off a ducks back. Since when do you need approval from anyone :)

[Buzz522]

While we're on the subject of doubting Thomas's.........have any of you ever had trouble with other mothers when it comes to play dates or sleep-overs?

When my daughter started going to school and meeting kids outside our neighborhood she wanted them to come play. Some of the parents I spoke with in setting up these play dates had some pretty weird questions to ask when they found out I was the one at home with the kids. Especially on the sleep-overs........it's not very fun to be looked at like some sort of child rapist. Once I was sitting across the street from the school when Carleigh was in Kindergarten watching her on the playground and the cops showed up, and even though I was the only man around, I wasn't the only parent parked checking on their kid, but this Barney Fife wannabe still started hassleing me and told me to move along. I tried to handle it all with a tongue in cheek attitude, but sometimes it really got to me. Simply because I'm a man at home doing what mother's have always done doesn't mean I have any special interest in their little darlings other than keeping them safe and happy. After a while word got around that I was "OK". Women I met thru the PTA and from working in the lunchroom, as a crossing guard fill-in and from just being seen around, word was passed their children were safe with me. And I've also had little girls come and stay with Carleigh and me from Thursday night until I took them home Sunday evening and never heard from their parents the entire time. This seems very strange to me. I can't let Carleigh go spend the night until I meet the parents and visit their house. Still I bet I call two or three times just checking in...

It still sucks though, the way SAHDs are treated because we stay at home doing housework, cooking and taking care of the kid. It's not like I was an idiot that could do nothing else, it was a choice. And I do a good job, too. A lot better than some of the homes I've been in with SAH-Moms.

For the longest time I avoided Liz's office parties and just about every other party where I knew in the circle of men I no longer belonged. Nothing in common anymore and the unavoidable and ever popular "what do you do?" Now I just start with the Mom's circle and work my back to the guy's place later when Football or Basketball is the subject.

So, just keep your Cool Aaronic................peace

[Don-Dad]

Yeah Buzz, I too get that same kind of response from the mom parents. I notice that one of my neighbors will only let their kids come in my house when my wife is home. I will say that the school and alot of my son's parents have been cool about letting their kids come over when I'm the only one home watching them.

Oh well, you can do what you can do and get on with life. Let the other folks worry about be so ignorant.

[aaronlc1]

A new just happened again today, some old timer was talking to me at the g;ym, and since I was working out int he middle fo the day he asked if I work at night, and I said no I take care of my kids. He looked at me, and I through at him I have been takeing care of my kids for four years, and he asked " well what happen" I just said nothing I just quit my job and started to take care of them, and he then asked like everybody else and also givning me the wierds look, " well I guess your mom makes a lot of money," as though when the woman stays home and the guy is not making much money nobody asked the woman well I guess your husaban makes a lot of money. NOboy knows how hard you work at it, the woman taht did it know but I guess cause we are men we are dumber than dirt. I then told them three of my fiedns did it longer than me, so hoepfully we wiill be respected. I was the shortest in my platoon and the army and earned there respected just fine, what else do I have to do to be respected as a sahd. peace

[aaronlc1]

I was changeing my daughters diaper in the park, no bathrooms so I did it on a blanket I had laid down for my ten month, and someobdy called the police on me, do not knwo why. Then about six months ago, get this I had my mom watching my children in the houston childrens museum, for people not from here it is a place of kids of all ages can play and learn, well I had my name tag and my id on my shirt so I could come and ago. Well me and a group of mothers walked in, none of them had there sticker on there shirt, but me, yet the desk stoped me and let them go, she said "where do you think you are going," I looked around to see who she is talking to, I said with my sticker showing plain as dy, I am going to get my kids and just walked past her. I am sick of the crap of people thinking I am a molester cause I like to go places iwth my kids, if I bring my nephew somewhere nobdy thinks anything, but myi daughers oh no must be bad, I have eight tatoos and I am bald and farely lardge and muscler, that is the thingst hat make up a molester I guess. I serve ten years in the military never been arested, and yet I am alful, stay strong people thanks for listening to my problems

[Buzz522]

Yep--It gets better though the more you stop worrying about what other people think and just go on about your business. It has hurt my daughter a time or two when her friends Moms said they couldn't come over until my wife got home. When they found out Mom wasn't coming home, it kinda freaked them out. But my daughter is the greatest kid. She takes it all in stride these days and our house, before my wife quit paying the note and we had to move out, had once again become the main meeting place for my daughters friends. I have heard from a few of the Moms though because I am pretty lenient on what they do.......I mean, they can dance and play their music loud, run around and make messes as much as they want at my house, holler and scream as they will do and it doesn't affect me in the least. I guess when I had a "Real" :shock: job I went to work every morning and worked all day......and I haven't really changed that much, just the place where I work. I feel it's their job to have fun and play and my job to clean it up, make sure they're safe and happy. So, I just go from one mess to the next like I went from one customer to the next. And believe me running a car dealership with a bunch of crazy salesmen, customers who are always thinking they're getting ripped off for some reason or another and the problems that are ever present in the service department no matter how hard you try to please people----running the house is a breeze, no matter how many messes there are to clean up......................

So, just smile and say, "Ya, you're right, thank God Mom does make a lot of money'causeI have the best job in the world!"...............................................pea ce

[tt3]

:shock: you guys are giving me shivers thinking about how I would and probably will have to deal with that kind of crap. Seriously, a cop?!? Dang! I always thought about that when I take Tara out of a store because she's melting (thankfully it doesn't happen much, but... )

[aaronlc1]

buzz you have a good attitude toward life, I appreciate that and all the rest of you for your help, god bless

[Buzz522]

Everything is ATTITUDE, my brother. And mine has improved about 1000% since I found this place......... either improve or a bullet to the brain :supz: Nawwwwww--that would mean Carleigh would have to live with her mother.........

Peace

[RefDad]

I think, provided you take the aforementioned advice to not worry about what other people think, the discrimination thing will cease to bother you. It hasn't stopped for me in seven years, but doesn't bother me anymore.

All the stories ring familiar with me. My favorite is when I got selected for jury duty. In the county I lived at the time, one exemption from jury duty was serving as a child's main care provider. When I told the clerk I was a stay-at-home dad she hassled me every way but sideways to figure out if I was possibly just divorced and my kid stayed at daycare. For some reason she refused to believe a dude would stay home with kids. I finally had to speak to her supervisor, who gave me the same 20 questions and only relented when I asked him about sexual discrimination, as in "Do you ask stay at home moms all these questions? I certainly hope so becuase I've been on the phone for 15 minutes trying to say the same thing over and over again. I hope it's not simply because I'm a man."

Another weird quirk, only when my oldest was an infant, is that women seemed to think it was OK to come up to me at the grocery store, or other public places, and touch my kid. I found that strange that someone would touch someone else's baby, but my wife and female friends never seemed to have that problem. If some man would have done it I would have knocked him out, but what do you say to a middle-aged woman except, "If I touched you without being asked I'd be arrested." To which they would usually get defensive and imply that I was overreacting.

I now embrace my domestic engineering abilities. If someone asks me what I do for a living I tell them. If they pry into it, I give them both barrels -- all of my duties, including the fact that I clip coupons on Sunday mornings, bring a coupon organizer to the grocery store, my wife has never seen our washer and dryer, etc. This generally stops the questions unless they think it's cool.

I also tell them to consider marrying "up" in order to enjoy my lifestyle ... which one must be careful since it implies that the wife married "down."

[Weston]

I feel for you Aaron...

Too many small instances to list here and I've only been doing it for 1 year.

I think the biggest thing for me was getting over being self-conscious about it. The thought that someone is worried that I might be a threat to there childrend at a playground is really disgusting to me, but I refuse to let it ruin Alex's fun. Recently I've learned to become totally honest and upfront with people... if they want to ask strange questions and make snide remarks then fine, they better expect some back now.

Hang in there dude, and you know where to come back to to vent and get support.

Edited to add: Just want to say that I am 90% sure I've had the police called on me... happened at a playground I wasn't familiar with. Walked right up to a sandbox that a mother and her 3 children were playing at. There were no other parents or children at the playground so I guess she freaked out. She looked at me very nervously and didn't say hi back to me or smile at all, just got her 3 kids together and started walking to the other side of the playground. I had Alex with me (he was probably 8 months old) so what kind of threat did I look like?

Anyway, soon after that a police cruiser pulled up to the parking lot and just sat there until me and Alex left. I was never confronted by the cop, but it still made me feel unconscious about being there.

Guys- Haven't had the cops *warned* about you yet? Don't be too surprised if it happens... especially if your being a good Sahd and take your kiddo to the park a lot

[sao95]

really wish I would have found this when I first became a sahd, it's nice to know there are others feeling the same things you are. Our worst enemy was my mother in law, she just can't get it through her head that I do all the day to day things as well as take care of our daughter. She has made comments that ranged from mild to just downright wrong, mild being she never heard of a man who makes the grocery list, et cetera et cetera. it's caused alot of strife between me and the wife. Some of you have said you don't let it bother you anymore, and I hope one day I get to that point, I have gotten better over time, but some things still grate on my nerves.

I have noticed that I percieve my biggest critics as being women. Most guys are like "hey cool", but women say AHHH, with that undertone of "so your lazy". Really threw me for a loop, as I had thought women would support SAHD's more so than men. But that's not the overall feeling I get. I got so sick of those "what are you doing here" looks at the playground that we go early in the morning to avoid the soccer mom clicks.

Anywho, I could go on and on :)
sao

[Jackson's Dad]

Another weird quirk, only when my oldest was an infant, is that women seemed to think it was OK to come up to me at the grocery store, or other public places, and touch my kid.

That happens all the time, whether its me or my wife with our son.

[aaronlc1]

hopefully it will start to get better one dad at a time

[DarthDaddy]

I have only been doing this full time since Feb of this year and half days starting back in October, but I have heard too many just plain rude comments. I was at the Library on Wednesday and was checking out some movies for my son and me. The "OLD BAT" and the checkout desk asked and I quote "How did I get STUCK with the kids today" I did refrain from snapping at her, but I did say "I am not stuck with the kids this is what I do" Her look changed and she turned bright red from embarrassment. A few of the other things I have heard are of course “Mr. Mom” and “What you could not handle the workforce so you stay at home” Actually I have two jobs it’s just that being DAD is my primary job. I am also the “Director of Quality Control” for an online mortgage software company.

I think my wife actually hears more from her coworkers then I actually hear. She is a Project Manager for a large corporation in a “Male Dominated” engineering division. A few comments from men she works with have been like. “Maybe your WIFE and mine can talk about housework.” This from a man on his second “Bad” marriage with 1 child he is not allowed to see and an at home wife and 2 children that he always complains about.

I have also noticed that many of the “Mommies” avoid me, even many neighbors that know me. When I first started taking my son to preschool last fall the looks I got where just plain creepy. It took until around the holidays to stop getting those looks. A few of the moms however where right there talking to me and making me feel like a parent not an outsider. I got more looks from the “Full Make-Up and Hair” moms then anyone.

My oldest starts Kindergarten in two weeks so we will see how that goes.

I just have to remember to always “Consider the Source” when people make comments that are rude or just plain ignorant.

As for spelling issues... If I am tired I just use word and copy and paste. Then you will not have to worry as much about your spelling.

Darth-Daddy

[sao95]

darth daddy, that's an excellent thing to bring up about your wife hearing it, (I don't think it was mentioned before), but definately a thumbs up to the wives, I know my own wife gets alot of grief, her biggest thing is other women don't think she is a loving mother, which really hurts her.

[DarthDaddy]

Yeah my wife gets it from both ends as well. Men at work and At Home Moms. A few neighbors are what she refers to as "cackling hens" More interested in gossip and acting superior. We made a decision for OUR FAMILY that was best. She was and is making SO MUCH MORE THEN ME that it would be impossible for her to quit and stay home. She also Admits she is very poor and many things around the house. She can't cook and knows it, I dread her going near the laundry... Sure I have missed the occasional special instruction item... But she likes to just STUFF EVERYTHING IN. Her house cleaning skills however would put a cleaning service to shame. LOL

She does at times feel a bit of the seperation issues as well as feeling she does not spend enough time with the boys, but knows the kids are in really good hands.

I read a study (Wish I remembered where) AT HOME DADS being what they are, are more involved with the family. This is well known, however what the study also shows is that a working mother STILL is as involved with her children as if she where AT HOME. This can not be said about many dads out there. The study also shows Dads with AT HOME WIFEs are less involved with their children.

The best thing I can say to these people especially the men who chose to look down is this. What is your childs favorite color, what did they eat for lunch, whens their next Dr. Appointment, what is their favorite TV show, book, movie and when was the last time you went for a walk with just them???? Many of the so called traditional dads have no clue. Especially those that look down the most.

Darth-Daddy

[aaronlc1]

I took my two kids to a inside play area, and what was wierd was all the stay at home moms where talking to me like I was one of them. None of them where looking down at me, or giving me wierd looks. It was very refresing for a change, they asked me how old my kids where, and when I told them what I did they where very intrested in it. I hope more people start to act that way toward stay at home dads.