Exhausted Dad

[Ma(tt)Daddy]

Hey guys,

So. I have been an official SAHD for two weeks now (my wife just finished her maternity leave) and the first thing that I learned about my wonderful baby son is that getting him to nap is a near impossibility.

Graham is now 11 weeks old, and he seems to be a classic example of the type of baby known as a nap-fighter. At 11 weeks. I have read the books (Sears' "The Baby Book," and Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child,") have tried to pay attention to when my kid is drowsy, try to "put him down for a nap" at the same time every day with little to no marked improvement. I have spent eons in a rocking chair soothing him to sleep with song, bottle (expressed mommy-milk) and usually he will feed himself into a nice sleepy state, then I burp him, finish the bottle, and he falls asleep. I will continue to rock him until he passes the twitchy state and enters what appears to be a deep sleep . . . arms limp and still, mouth agape, slowed breathing. Everything is going brilliantly until . . .

I slowly stand from the rocker, and move toward his crib . . . sometimes he makes it to the crib undisturbed and I ever-so-gently lay him down and, feeling like a Rockstar Dad, creep away as he lays there motionless and asleep. I close the door, and walk quietly away and lo and behold fifteen minutes later he is awake and making noise. Sometimes he doesn't even make it to the crib, just the motion of moving from chair to crib awakens him and (BOOM) nap-time bye-bye.

I've tried napping in bed with him with varied results, but I cannot nap myself during the day so invariably end up laying awake staring wide-eyed at the ceiling fan, listening to my day tick away second by second, and doing so produces a nap for Graham that is only moderately more successful than the crib dance.

I can't tell you the stress that the napless days are causing me. There are a number of reasons for this, but the biggest one is this:

Worry. Worry worry worry.

I am afraid that my child is not getting the sleep that his little developing system requires. I myself have been plagued by sleep problems my whole life (very, very light sleeper and part-time insomniac) and am terrified that I have passed on that little bit on genetic coding to my son, which, of course, induces . . . yep, you guessed it: Guilt.

Graham, if he doesn't get naps, seems to be a fussy baby. Yet, he will not fall asleep on his own. The only place he falls asleep unassisted is in his swing, which is supposedly a very "controversial" sleep arrangement, but God, it is the only place where he falls asleep and stays asleep for more than 15 minutes. (He's had two loooong naps there this week; one 2 hour nap, and one almost 3 hours, both smack-dab in the middle of the day (noonish) when babies are SUPPOSED to be awake . . .) So guilt arises when he falls asleep in swing and I selfishly (!) allow him to stay asleep there.

So basically I spend my ENTIRE day at home with Graham either feeding him, trying (usually unsuccessfully) to get him to take a nap, and, quite frankly, my nerves are fraying a bit at the ends.

Any thoughts?:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

Matt

[Jackson's Dad]

Well, at 11 weeks, there's not much else to a kid's life but eat, burp, poop, and sleep. It is really tiring and boring for the parent though! It drove me nuts at times.

Our son has never been a good napper. As much as all the conventional wisdom insists on the importance of naps, the reality is that some kids just *don't*. Don't worry about it - it happens a lot. You are NOT going to screw up your kid development!

What we did was keep on keeping him on a nap schedule, whether he napped or not. Every morning and afternoon, at the same time, as soon as he started to yawn, we put him in his crib (alone). If he cried, which he usually did, we let him. Somedays, he'd fall asleep for a bit. Once and a while he'd nap for a glorious hour or two. But often, after a half hour, he'd still be up, and we'd get him out of his crib.

We just kept repeating this every single day, and when he turned a year (yes, THAT long), he finally started to nap semi-regularly. He still isn't the best napper, but now at least he does it more often than not.

I think they key for us was setting up a pattern, and sticking to it, so that when he was ready to nap (developmentally, mood-wise, whatever), the structure and system was in place.

Do not worry! Take those books with a grain of salt!

[tt3]

Dan beat me to it. My first advice was also going to be put the books down for a bit. If he sleeps in the swing, by all means put him in the swing! Here's some more easy to give advice thats hard to follow. Lose the guilt. It does nothing for either you or your family. Put the books down and learn for yourself how he works, every kid is different and there just isn't "one" answer. Leah spent a lot of time in her swing because she wouldn't sleep any where else. I've kept things consistant though, again as Dan mentions, and she's down for at least the afternoon nap, in her crib, and for an hour or a bit more.
Take a deep breath, relax and ride it out. I still marvel at how my girls are growing so quickly! It'll change soon!
Good luck

(Oh, and post here when you get the chance, its a great way to blow steam. I've done it a bit, just look at my post count. :lol: )

[Presdad]

Hi Matt...my son just passed 5 months and had (or has) similar issues so I can really relate. We've been using the Healthy Sleep Habits, etc. book as a foundation and are really happy with it though it'd be pretty hard to follow it to the letter. I think there's some great logic in there and our doctor is familiar with it, which makes things easier.

I just wanted to say that, as others have said, don't worry or feel guilty about the possibility of your baby's development being hindered. The kid will be fine, and things will eventually settle in place, it's just a rough time that has to be toughed out and there's no way around that. I know it's nasty and very frustrating. Don't be afraid to try swings etc. to get the baby to take naps, just keep in mind that there may be some things not fun to undo down the road.

I hope that like many things we've seen with our son, it's just a phase and will ease up soon. Try to take care of yourself best you can and good luck.

Tim

[RefDad]

I agree with what everyone has said thus far. Kids sleep when they're tired and eat when they're hungry. They're the only humans who really do it right, as nature would have it, provided they're fed when they're hungry!

My oldest (now 7yo) needed to be walked UP AND DOWN stairs to go to sleep. For 30+ minutes. For a 20-minute nap. I wouldn't be done sweating from putting him down before he'd be awake. This drove me nuts as I was still working late into the night and getting up around 7am when my wife left for work.

My solutions were:
- Be tired. I just accepted I'd be a tired parent for a while. Prioritize as one can get pretty grumpy when tired. I basically stopped doing almost everything except breathing.
- Turn it into a work out. I put him in the backpack, dressed in my workout gear, and walked up and down our townhouse steps. I turned on a radio on every floor so I could listen to a sports talk show. I sweated my a$$ off and got a good leg workout at the same time.

He took three short naps per day so I did this three times per day. I would have loved for him to be a solid, 90-minute per stretch napper but we all survived in the long run.

[pstone]

I can only say Ditto....the beginning was awful for me as well. 10.5 months now and MUCH better but we Ferbered at 6 months....he is a great sleeper now.

Only other advice is LOTS OF BRIGHT LIGHT / SUN during the day, it will get his/her internal clock onto the day/night schedule which will help in the long run.

[mrandjr]

As you can see all is normal!

My son was the same way. I knew he needed his sleep at that age so when he fell asleep I let him sleep where he was.

A few things you can try.
1. The mechanical swing with the music low
2. We had a little seat type thing he could lay in. it is a little springy and had a vibration mode. He slept in that pretty well.
3. Let the little one sleep on your shoulder. Once a day at that age I would turn the lights off close the blinds and turn the TV on low. When he fell asleep after his bottle he would sleep on my shoulder and I would get a little bit of time to just sit and unwind

At about 4 months I tried putting him down for naps in a different room from his crib. This began working pretty well. Its a system we still use. We have a pack and play set up in the guest room for "naptime".

Austin fought napping for a long time. at around 9-10 months when had been moving around and standing a little I started getting a little stricter with naps. If he fought it too bad. I gave hime a few minutes 5 to start where he would fuss. Then I would go up rock him etc so he knew I was there and then repeated. This took a couple of weeks of being consistant. After that he napped twice a day and rarely put up a fight. He is now down to one nap a day but understands that I am still there and will come get him when he is done.

All I can really say is stick with it and don't put pressure on yourself. I wish I would have found this site earlier in my stay at home duties. I have always been one that is busy and like to keep moving. So rocking and letting him sleep on my shoulder seemed like a waste of time. However, ENJOY this time! Relax and just remember that is why you are there for his benefit.

[Jackson's Dad]

However, ENJOY this time!

I don't know about enjoying it (I know I didn't). I think the key is to survive! As hard as it can get, you will get through it. Imagine you were back at school, and you are cramming for exams. Get through it, try to keep calm and sane, and do what needs to be done. It gets better (of course, only to be replaced by other challenges).

[mrandjr]

However, ENJOY this time!

I don't know about enjoying it (I know I didn't). I think the key is to survive! As hard as it can get, you will get through it. Imagine you were back at school, and you are cramming for exams. Get through it, try to keep calm and sane, and do what needs to be done. It gets better (of course, only to be replaced by other challenges).

LOL I hear ya. I guess my point should have been try to enjoy the time you have with the little one. I know I never thought I would get to spend this much time with him.

When he was about 4 months I was back in the hospital with some major health issues. I guess I look at all of the moments good and bad as borrowed time.

[Ma(tt)Daddy]

Kids sleep when they're tired and eat when they're hungry.

Actually, funny thing is, Graham WILL NOT "fall" asleep on his own, no matter how tired he is. He will fight it tooth and nail. He must be persuaded to sleep!!

Somehow, I have to convince him that this sleep thing is a good thing, a nice thing . . .

Come to think of it, when I was a kid, the idea of sleep and what it actually is, always kind of freaked me out!

[Ma(tt)Daddy]

- Be tired. I just accepted I'd be a tired parent for a while. Prioritize as one can get pretty grumpy when tired. I basically stopped doing almost everything except breathing.

Ain't that the truth!! Some of my most frustrating early SAHD days came from the fact that I was trying to "get things done" in between caring fro Graham, which, at 11 weeks, we all know is going to lead to nothing but frustration.

I knew about the sleep deprivation thing, but experiencing it is something altogether different. It has changed my personality to a certain degree . . . I've developed a verrrrry short fuse, especially at my night job (which I'm finished with, thank God, in Oct.) I get angry and mopey very quickly and tend to bite the heads off somewhat innocent folks . . .

[tt3]

And whats worse, is by the time you think you might have another, this will all be faded in your memory! "Oh, it wasn't sooo bad..."
:lol:
good luck!