Lost my cool today...

[Sonnie Bee]

it happens to the best of us, i know, but i am having a really tough time dealing with a situation that happened today. sorry, it's a bit wordy.

after a rough couple of days with my 4 yo son and his selective listening, we were coming home after a long day of pre-school, park, dinner, and another park, and i just wanted to get us all (me and the two kids) into the house to get ready for bed. i was exhausted and mom had a meeting that would keep her out until very late (10-11pm) that she just told me about this morning. this may have been a contributing factor in my handling of things.

my son decided he wanted to bring in some catalogs i had put on the front seat. i told him to leave them there and we'd get them tomorrow. well, he decided to get them anyway.

my hands were full and my daughter was climbing the stairs to the front door alone in the dark.

i said, "leave them there and let's get out of the car NOW!" it was the fourth request i made to him to leave the catalogs alone and come along. but he was persistent in doing exactly what he wanted.

(here's the incident)

i said, "are you coming now or not?" he didn't answer and kept fiddling in the front seat with the catalogs. "FINE, don't then!" I said, and i closed the sliding door to the van and went and unlocked the door for my daughter, who i was worried might fall down the stairs. there was urgency in me getting to her, so i wanted to take care of that immediately.

well, of course, my son freaked out. he was screaming from the car "DADDY! DADDY!" and banging on the window. i swear, i felt like i just locked him away for life or something. within seconds i was back to the car and got him out, ordering him upstairs to get ready for bed.

while he was getting ready for bed, i went to him and sat down beside him. i told him that what i'd done (closing the door on him) was wrong and i made a mistake. i said i was very sorry and i would never do that again. we hugged, kissed, and the rest of the night was golden.

it seemed to make him feel better, but i know it is now an engram locked away in his little personality vault. i am feeling extremely guilty about my behavior and that i lost my cool. it was a mean thing to do and in hindsight, i know there were a dozen other things i could have done instead.

any thoughts? any advice? i'm feeling crappy as all right now.

thanks for reading. again, sorry it's so long.

[jeffus]

Whoops! You are human! Surprise!

It must be the season, because my 4 yr old had me ranting to myself in the laundry room today. I actually said, "What, do you think I'm talking to hear my own voice!". Oh, that was priceless....

I'll get in these debates with a 4 yr old and it turns out: I ultimately lose because I didn't say "please". It's not nice to bark orders.

I'm trying to go with the team approach, politeness, and mutual respect. But I find it harder and harder to be resilient in the face of such machinations. She's probing...looking for her limits, finding mine, and pushing 'the button', playing Mommy off Daddy, etc.

I think it's almost time to go with the "because I said so!" statement. Ouch, I'm feeling parental.

I wonder if this is a reaction to the new school season. She started Pre-K two weeks ago and things have been a bit tense since then. Probably getting adusted to new environment/teacher/kids/etc. Could be that she's discovered that "She's 4 now". Seems that is the age when they think they can handle hot pots off the stove, jumping off the couch won't hurt, and driving a car is perfectly acceptable.

Help!

[dad2jeff]

I too have a 4 yr old, maybe they lose there hearing?? mine can get to me as well. it hard to control two i know. i cant even think of having more. to those that do more power to you and hats off. anyway i think you did fine sometimes its better just to walk away( so to speak). you do have to pick your battles. and when your tired is not a good time even worse if they are tired. it hard to keep your cool 8) and the little talk was a great touch. now go have a beer :drinkers:

[tt3]

Bah, thats not loosing your cool, thats being testy and snippy. Loosing your cool would have been to drag his scrawny butt inside muttering foul epithets under your breath as steam escaped from your ears.
Tara already has those wonderful ears especially in public. I need to take some relaxation lessons for that, because its my number one peeve!
:)

[Jackson's Dad]

I agree with Tony. You handled it fine. Not perfectly, but ok. You didn't hit him, or threaten him, or leave him out there.

I don't even know if I would've apologized for it. I think I would've explained that you had to close the door because you had to watch both him and his sister, so next time he needs to come when you call. (But what do I know, sitting here with a relatively mellow 1 year old.)

i know it is now an engram locked away in his little personality vault

No, come on! That was NOT that traumatic for him. I'm sure you've done much worse without realizing it. :wink: One of my own "traumatic" memories from being 4 was not getting something when my older brother was getting school supplies. A small silly event, one of many, but that image is stuck in my head.

[Don-Dad]

Oh Sonnie Bee, you must be easier on yourself. If parenting were so easy, everyone would be doing it :)

You handled the situation just fine. After all, you have to draw the line some where.

My 5 year old can drive me absolutely mad and add a 2 year old to that mix and you will find many a situation that might cause you to lose your cool.

[Sonnie Bee]

i really appreciate the feedback from everyone. funny, but i don't have any guy friends that can even come close to understanding what i'm talking about half the time. they're all either single or married with no kids. the ones that do have kids don't stay home. they just think i took the easy road... grrr.

you're right, though, i know i have to take it easier on myself. unfortunately, my son is as extremely sensitive as i am, and we both tend to hold on to things a bit too tightly. it scares me how much he's like me... i want to shout at him, "don't be like me! i'm a complete doof!"

what can you do? ah well. we're both feeling fine since it happened. i think whenever i (or any of us) make a mistake, it's important that it be recognized to the child and that it is discussed that even dad can screw up. maybe someday they'll know that we're just people like they are.

thanks again all!

[mrandjr]

i really appreciate the feedback from everyone. funny, but i don't have any guy friends that can even come close to understanding what i'm talking about half the time. they're all either single or married with no kids.

I am in the same boat.

It sounds like you did fine. You are feeling more guilty for feeling like you lost it then needs be in the situation. You may have startled him a bit but you talked with him and all seems well.

[aaronlc1]

but he was basically doing what he wanted to do, and do not care about you or his sister's well being. Your daughter was in very much imediate danger for that could ahve been a trip to the docotr or hospital. Now some people would have beat him into submission, then thrown him in bed. So to me shutting the door made two points, you that you mean serious bussiness and that what you say is the General's word. And second he was safe in there and could not jump out and run into traffic or waht have you. He will get over it or not, but he will think thwice when you tell him to get out of the car, or any other thing you tell him to do. For do not forget, we are there parents not there friends, there is a big difference. You did good and do not dispare things worse will happen for eventually they will be teen agers.

[Sonnie Bee]

but he was basically doing what he wanted to do, and do not care about you or his sister's well being. Your daughter was in very much imediate danger for that could ahve been a trip to the docotr or hospital. Now some people would have beat him into submission, then thrown him in bed. So to me shutting the door made two points, you that you mean serious bussiness and that what you say is the General's word. And second he was safe in there and could not jump out and run into traffic or waht have you. He will get over it or not, but he will think thwice when you tell him to get out of the car, or any other thing you tell him to do. For do not forget, we are there parents not there friends, there is a big difference. You did good and do not dispare things worse will happen for eventually they will be teen agers.

thank you for that support, aaronlc1. it's good to have the pat-on-the-back, because believe it not, i still think back on that. i've done many other things since then that i'm not proud of, but that i KNOW were the right thing to do. and yes, i do agree about the "not friends, we're parents" comment completely. i wish my wife felt that way sometimes! hehe!

as for the whole "teen" thing... well, i think teenagers should be illegal. they are dangerous and should seriously be taken off the shelves. ;)

[aaronlc1]

good for you, and just remember we all make mistakes, just learn from them and they will not be a total loss

[Anonymous]

No harm, no foul.

You didn't beat the boy, so what's the biggie?

When my daughters were very small, the oldest learned the "n" word ("no"). She decided to try it out one day when we were headed out someplace.

"No," she said she wasn't going.

"Fine," I said, "stay home alone."

I packed up the other kid, put the oldest in her room (where she can see the car pulling up the street) and drove away. By this time the youngest is howling about leaving her sister home. I was gone maybe thee minutes, went back and found the oldest ready to go.

Funny how that worked out.

Depends on the kid, too. I know lots of boys who'd just shrug, and go back to playing with their toys if dad did this.

Worked like a charm on my daughters though. We never had that fight again.

T.

[Ed The Seeker]

We all get angry. That's something you can count on.

But what we can control is where and how we let that anger out. I usally just exhaust the anger out of me with some good music and a set of weights.

It's all about finding your patterns and the solutions that work for you

[longtimesahd]

All of the previous replies are on with respect to the non-serious nature of your 'offense'.

You mentioned the late meeting your wife scheduled which "may have contributed" to your behaviour not up to your own standard. This misdirected anger can easily fall on convenient and vulnerable targets (your kids), and can escalate if the cause does.

Let your wife know that situation bothered you. Get it out there so the frustration gets directed where it belongs, and not where it doesn't.

Been there, done that.

[Silverback]

You mentioned the late meeting your wife scheduled which "may have contributed" to your behaviour not up to your own standard. This misdirected anger can easily fall on convenient and vulnerable targets (your kids), and can escalate if the cause does.

Let your wife know that situation bothered you. Get it out there so the frustration gets directed where it belongs, and not where it doesn't.

Been there, done that.

I found this post very helpful personally, Thank you!

[grilldaddy]

Count me among the guys that feel you should cut yourself some slack. We have all been there and done something just like that, at least I know I have.

[WriterDad]

And here I thought you meant that you broke out the 'hang 'em by their toes' technique. :)

All good. It's one of those moments that makes you feel bad, but you did reinforce the fact that his action or inactions have consequences... sometimes scary ones. It's not like you slipped in stale bread and water for a night stay.

We all have those gut-twisting moments when we're frustrating. I think you handled yourself well considering.