Mommy will be late tonight... again.

[Sonnie Bee]

please tell me if i'm being a beetch or if this is an actual gripe.

with the rise in gas prices, my wife has decided to start taking the train to work. while economically, this is a sound idea, it means she will now be leaving for work almost an hour ealier and coming home an hour later.

that means she'll be workbound for 12-13 hours per day. it also means my role is forced to extend also. and i'm not comfortable with that.

she already complains that she spends too much time at work and not enough time at home. when i expressed that she could leave work an hour earlier and take an earlier train, she became irrate and defensive, saying, "well, if you got a job and made some money i could!"

obviously there's resentment, which i've talked about before.

her claim is that she has to take so many clients per week to be able to pay for our lifestyle. she said this as she was spending $20 at Starbucks.

i again expressed that if we made certain cutbacks, like not spending $20 at Starbucks, and designed a schedule where she comes home earlier during the week except for 1 or 2 nights where she'd stay later, she could actually be home 1-3 days per week early enough to spend time as a family, give herself a break, and yeah, give me a break as well. also, i would be less likely to complain if i knew exactly which days she would be staying late and which days she'd be home early.

this was met with rejection and denial. "no. it doesn't work like that." she said. then she again threw the "if you made some money, maybe i wouldn't have to work so much."

that comment is growing very old with me now. the reality is that for me to go get a job means putting the kids back into the situation we took them out of. it also means starting at the bottom of the career chain (i was a management level designer when i left that world). she suggests that i go get a job waiting tables or something.

i'm at the end of my rope, but i know she is too.

please... any advice? obviously there's a lot going on but your thoughts are gratefully appreciated. peace!

[Sonnie Bee]

Louis, did i happen to mention that you're brilliant? i'm looking at Monster.com right now.

i can't believe i missed The Shoe Drops. it sounds to me like we are in a similar vessel, for certain. i appreciate your voice on this. it means a lot! thank you!

[Greenskeeper]

My wife is an exec for a large company and travels the globe. She is gone probably at least 3 weeks every couple of months. So I do know your pain..

I have 3 girls under 6 and they really miss their mom. I've tried everything from establishing some new ground rules for her(mom) but nothing seemed to work. (One rule was "You need to be home for dinner 2 times a week, any day you want, if your in town. O ya and dinner is at 5:30 not 7.) I even would leave a few loads of laundry for Sat morn, when I know she would be here, so when she asked why are you doing that now. I could answer "Just cause your off today, dosent mean I am." That helped a little but then fadded just like the ground rules. I have many more stories that kinda fit what your talking about but i wont go there just yet..

This is what I did, since my older 2 girls attend school all day leaving me 1 at home. I enrolled her into 2 day/wk daycare allowing me some freetime to do my own thing and this has dramatically reduced my stress about no help at the house.

So I guess my point is rather than fight her on it look for some method to get you some free time- weekends dont count if your still managing the kids or doing chores. This seemed to help me with the strees of having a PT/weekend wife..lol.

[Jackson's Dad]

then she again threw the "if you made some money, maybe i wouldn't have to work so much."

I'm sorry, but was she out of the room when you guys decided that you would be a SAHD? Geez louise. What part of that decision does she not get? Then again, she may be having second thoughts (or just frustrations) about you being a SAHD, but just doesn't know to say it


I think you two need to sit down and review things. Get a babysitter one saturday and really review the situation. One thing that could help is for both of you to sit down and do the math again. If you got a job, I bet that most (if not all) of your income would go to covering daycare and babysitters, and would have no impact on her workload.

[mrandjr]

I feel for you.

I thought maybe my wife was the only one that is stubborn. It seems if she has an idea in her head on how something should be any suggestion or rational point is taken as a personal attack.

Could it be that the strong independant part of our wives' personality that attracted us to them is now biting us in the rear?

[Weston]

No advice here Sonnie, but I feel for you.

I consider myself pretty lucky in that the wife and I are in agreement on financial and household role matters.

You guys have to work this out somehow :???:

[sao95]

"well, if you got a job and made some money i could!"


my wife has said lots of things similar to this, the one that she used to always get me with was "I'm just gonna have to look for a second job", this always made me feel like crap, and feel guilty about not working. And that feeling would last for awhile. Finally I got sick of it, and realized she just said it to make me feel like shit, so the last time she said it, I said "maybe you should, I think home depot is hiring part time nights", she hasn't said it since then :)

[tt3]

That came up in one of our few arguments early on. I think I responded with the incredibly insightful and intelligent "F%$# You."
Yeah, we revisited that in calmer times and worked it out. Thankfully.

[Jackson's Dad]

...and feel guilty about not working.

But dude, you ARE working.

[sao95]

But dude, you ARE working.
I know that deep down, but I still feel guilty because I get more satisfaction out of this than any job I ever had, so it doesn't feel like work :)

[Indy]

Such a comment is a definite no-no in our family. That'd rank right up there with bringing an old girlfriend/boyfriend into the argument.

One of my philosophies when it comes to "spirited discussions" is to attack the issue, never the person. As soon as you make it personal, your side of the argument loses all credibility. Additionally, past transgressions are not a currency to be used to win an argument. If it's not relevant to the current argument, don't drag it in. This is a big one for me because my mom brings up things about my dad even in regular conversations. Mundane things like "he never picked up his socks" or "your father NEVER helped with diapers". For thirty-five years, my father has quietly endured these digs, never once taking a shot back at my mother.

She may not be aware of how hurtful and offensive that comment is. Make her aware (preferably not during an argument) and hopefully she'll refrain from using it. If she does use it, remind her that her comment is out of bounds. If over the span of several arguments she persists in using the comment, walk away.

[Jackson's Dad]

I know that deep down, but I still feel guilty because I get more satisfaction out of this than any job I ever had, so it doesn't feel like work :)

:)

We should all be so lucky, doing something you get satisfaction from.

I know that's why I started my own business. And it's true -- I also occasionally feel like I am not "working" because I enjoy it so much. But the irony is that I am actually working so much harder than when I "worked" for someone else!

[Sonnie Bee]

the irony is that I am actually working so much harder than when I "worked" for someone else!

it is ironic, isn't it? the satisfaction i got from even the best job i ever had, simply pales in comparison to the job i'm doing now. especially in that i'm not pushing some ridiculous product or service that has no benefit to our society. the raising of my kids is of such primary importance to them, me and my wife, and the world in which they will occupy when they are old enough is of so much more paramount and meaningful importance than any regular job.

i have no idea what i wrote just now, but i meant it! ;)

[sao95]

"mommy will be late tonight.... again"

we had another episode of this Saturday. The wife has started taking classes for her masters on monday nights and saturday mornings, usually she gets home on Saturdays around 12:30, but she had told me she had a dressing change at work, which usually takes her about 15 minutes so I figured she'd be home around 1-1:30. I'm not sure why, but I decided when I woke up Saturday I'd do an extra good job cleaning the house, do all the detail stuff that sometimes gets overlooked, that way the wife had nothing else she could do but spend time with our daughter. So you can imagine when she came home around 3:30-4 how I was naturally pissed off. The irony of what was said and what happened leaves me pulling my hair out. Supposedly the Doctors wife and daughter came into the office and she ate lunch with them and talked with them. The doctors wife has cancer, which looks to be terminal, and she is in that stage when she realizes she might die and is going back through her life thinking of all the things she never got to do.

So, the wife gets home and says, lets go to the San Antonio zoo tomorrow, now I'm all for going to the zoo, but gas is expensive, and that's a two hour trip, and then you have to pay to get into the zoo, and all in all it's going to cost around 50 to 60 bucks, and that's just basic, without drinks or anything. I personally enjoy going to the zoo, but money has been a bit tight lately, nothing some conservative living won't cure. So I point that out, she gets a little testy about it, then launches into relating things the doctors wife had said. The big thing was all the things they never did with their kids (which was where the trip to the zoo came from, also keep in mind we've been to 3 zoo's this year). Then she says she doesn't get enough time with the jilly. I say, maybe if you came home instead of sitting around gossiping you would. She says that only would have gave her an extra hour, well.. an hour is an hour. Basically what I noticed is she complains about time, but does nothing about it. She doesn't live in the moment, she only there physically, not mentally, and I think my daughter can pick up on that, I think all kids can. An example is we are sitting outside Sunday and Jilly asked to be pushed on the swing, this is an everyday thing throughout the week. I tell her to have mom push her, trying to give her the oppurtunity to interact with her. She says she will in a minute and continues to sit, not doing anything. Finally my daughter sits and starts to play, forgetting about getting pushed, or giving up on it, my wife wasn't gonna do it, so I stood up and said, okay dad will push you. My wife says, I was going to in a minute. Well proof is in the pudding, I swung her for awhile and did the wife stand up and come out to relieve me? No. She is listening to this doctors wife talk about doing things with the kids, and it has weight with her because this woman might die, but the doctors wife hasn't figured it out either. It's like the blind leading the blind. It's not how much time, or what you do, it's just that the time you have you mentally are there, interacting, on their level. I find it frustrating that she doesn't get this. I could write an entire book on the things that happened this weekend, but I'll leave off here, it's too early in the morning to get that wound up :)

[Greenskeeper]

Wow Indy! Great advice..

Are you sure your not Dr Phil ....jk

[Indy]

Wow Indy! Great advice..

Are you sure your not Dr Phil ....jk

<looks in wallet> Yeah, pretty sure.

[Don-Dad]

LOL about Indy's comment. I needed a good laugh. Thanks :)

[Indy]

LOL about Indy's comment. I needed a good laugh. Thanks :)

Well that proves it. Money can't buy happiness, but evidently a lack of money CAN. Next time the wife asks me why I'm so happy, I'll exclaim "We're broke!" Then she'll be able to share in my happiness. :lol:

[Sonnie Bee]

She is listening to this doctors wife talk about doing things with the kids, and it has weight with her

this is a common problem in our home. i will offer my opinion or my advice or even just my thoughts on a particular subject, and it somehow triggers a whole defensive arguement. i've become reluctant to offer my opinion 'cuz it usually is unappreciated and nullified before it's even fully out of my mouth.

HOWEVER, should someone my wife finds a confidence with or whom she reveres as a professional say exactly the same thing as me, she not only listens to them, but usually follows their advice.

i want to go back to being 21 and completely carefree again. man, do i miss those days. my biggest worry back then was making sure to wake up in time to take a nap. boy, are we getting old fast.

[Jackson's Dad]

Wow Indy! Great advice..

Are you sure your not Dr Phil ....jk

Please, Indy makes Dr. Phil look like a quack. Wait a minute, Dr. Phil *is* a quack... :wink:

[Indy]

[quote=sao95]i want to go back to being 21 and completely carefree again. man, do i miss those days. my biggest worry back then was making sure to wake up in time to take a nap. boy, are we getting old fast.

Funny, at the age of 21 most of us were trying to avoid getting into the situation we're all in now. Tough to do when your hormones are raging. :lol:

[Indy]

Wow Indy! Great advice..

Are you sure your not Dr Phil ....jk

Please, Indy makes Dr. Phil look like a quack. Wait a minute, Dr. Phil *is* a quack... :wink:

Now all I need is Oprah to take a shine to me and set me up with a talk show. :lol:

[Sonnie Bee]

so, today mom began taking the train to work in an effort to save money on the long commute.

she left an hour earlier than normal, and we have yet to see the arrival-home time.

this just keeps getting better and better... ugh!

[aaronlc1]

People are always saying if we made money, but it cost me my intire paycheck to put them in daycare so in reality we are saving money. And when all three get sick, I would ask anybody to try that.