Rejecting Mom

[Imz_Candleman]

My wife and I just took in her second cousins's 3 year old boy. Unfortunately, Tristan is coming from a very neglectful environment where he was simply used by his mother as a bargaining chip against the other relatives and the only real attention he got from her was when she yelled "Shut the F*** Up" at him while she was trying to get stoned. His father wasn't much better, but I will at least give him some credit for trying to love his boy and recognizing that Tristan needed a new environment in which to live.
So, here's my problem (at least the first one :D )... Tristan has been with us now for 3 days and bonded with me almost immediately. The same cannot be said for my wife. Despite all her efforts, all he seems to to do 95% of the time is push her away. He starts to tantrum when she tries to give him any affection or care, and does not calm down unless I intervene.
This has caused my wife a lot of pain, heart-break, and tears over the past 72 hours.
While we know this behavior stems from his mistrust of women, particularly his bio-Mom....we are not sure as to what to do about it.
My wife is a wonderful woman with nothing but love in her heart for this little boy, and it breaks my heart to see her hurt like this.

Please Help....

[floridamcmarion1]

We had a similar situation with our youngest son, who we hope to have adopted by the end of the year. He was 22 months when we got him. He bonded to me very quickly, but didn't even want my wife to hold him. It took him about 3 months before he bonded to her. We were at the point of wondering if it would ever happen, then he suddenly wouldn't let her out of his sight. We have had others at other ages that did the same thing to one or the other of us. They bond eventually, but you have to earn that trust over time.

If he has a certain love for something (say the zoo) she might take him there by herself on a day that he is in a good mood and won't freak out going out with her alone. You need to give him some good memories with his new mom that will eventually balance what is now mostly bad memories with the woman he loves most. He now sees it as normal and expected that the women in his life will treat him badly. It takes a while to convince him that your wife is different.

You need to be the one to set out discipline right now, though he will still blame her anyway. However, she can't let him get the idea that he can get away with anything around her, or he won't respect her. It's a tricky balance.

The best way to explain what is happening is that your wife, by virtue of being a woman, has been declared guilty until proven innocent of treating him the same way his bio mom did. There is also the part of him that loves and misses his bio mom and resents your wife for trying to take her place. She is in a no win situation, but if she is very patient and loving she will win his heart.

The most important thing is that she love him and not let it show to him how much his rejection hurts her. Over time he will come to love and bond with your wife as his mom. The more neglect and abuse he received from his bio mom the longer it will take.

I hope this helps. I now it's a very tough situation to be in and hurts tremendously when you are the one being rejected. Your wife justs needs to remember that the rejection is not based on her, but rather on the neglect he has received in the past. It's hard, but she needs to try and let it not get to her. Give it time and love.

[Dadaland]

I'd have to agree with the ministers wife. But you should remind your wife It's not about her. She has to get a grip man,whos the adult and most able to wrap their head around the situation.

I have seen this behaviour before from messed up kids.he's playing shadow. It's like this;Pursue, and he will act up and turn away. Ignored he will beome curious and follow. This will require a little patience and perhaps a little reverse phscology.


Take it from a goon on the web, who can't spell. :?

[SAHF]

I feel for your wife.

She is now playing a VERY important role here. This little boy seems to reget the fact that she is a woman, because he has been mistreated by his mother. You wife just needs to be patient and wait it out.

Play games as a family, goto the zoos, or the YMCA. Little by little, let you wife take more of a lead in the events. Reassure you wife that she is NOT the problem and to keep her hurt feelings away from his sight.

Again...it will be a hard road for her, but you will need to help by giving her support and understanding. She and she alone needs to bond with this child so he does not grow hating or having a grudge against women. Your wifes job is a pretty big one, but if she has the love to give...it will come!

Tell your wife just to be patient. And if she would like some ideas...have her get on here...you know us SAHDs will help! That is the idea of this board!

[Imz_Candleman]

Hi all,
First I want to thank all of you who took the time to read my post and offer the supportive advice. It has helped a lot!!
Tristan is doing well. Everyday he is acting more and more like a normal 3 year old (if there is such a thing). We do not see near the amount of tantrums or general unhappiness that he exhibited when we first got him 2 weeks ago.
He has started to "bond" to "Mommy" though he still has quite a few moments where he will pull away from her at the last sedond, but at least he isn't tantruming anymore when she tries to give him love. He asks for her during the day while she's at work and is visibly happy when she comes home.
It is obvious to see that I am the one whom he most trusts, but as many of you said....everyday is better for her relationship with Tristan, and slowly but surely he is seing her as someone whom he can trust and love.
Again thank you all for your support. If anyone has any other suggestions, or comments...feel free to post.

Thanks all!!!

[SAHF]

Great news!

It is great to hear that it is working out. Come back anytime!!!

Don (the other white meat!) :lol: