Your inlaws

[Remington]

Do we all get along with our inlaws? How about you?

Also, how did (or do) your inlaws react to you staying at home while your wife goes out and works? Do her parents seem fine with it?

[Don-Dad]

I get along wonderfully with my inlaws. I think I might like them better than my own parents :?

My inlaws never once made any kind of remark about me being at home that was negative. Unlike my parents. who used to ask, "So, are your working yet?" I think they would still be asking that if I did not have my small internet business.

[Jackson's Dad]

My inlaws are also great. They never batted an eye when I decided to start to work from home. And then when we got pregnant, they were just accepting and helpful.

I lucked out with them. It's funny because the long-term girlfriend I had before meeting my wife had a mother who I hated. I wasn't good enough for her, and frankly, she wasn't good enough for me. I just thank my lucky stars that that relationship didn't last, and that I found my wife!

Dan

[tommyw/1]

While my wife and I were dating, there were times my In-laws did not even acknowledge me in their home....wouldn't even talk to me!! That lasted for as long as it took me to propose(over 4 years :lol: ), & they then got better. I always encouraged my wife to still be respectfull to them, but in the same breath told her to let them know we(us & kids) wouldn't be spending too much time with them if the silence continued.

Things got much better after the wedding and now they're great......and really super with my daughter. Great people, but no body was good enough for their little girl.

They really appreciate the sacrafices we're making, and help out quite a bit too.

[tt3]

My inlaws have also been very cool through it all and quite accepting. The first weekend I met them was also over new years eve. We all went to a party at their friends and I kept hearing from them "you're a lot better then the last one"
:shock:
Having knowing him, I'd have to agree, but still!
They are also super willing to come up and help out with the projects around the house.
Only downside is we see a lot of them. Two, three times a month :roll:
I like them and all, but... there's also a reason we live hours away.
:lol:

[Remington]

My wife's parents are really supportive of me and the family. My parents approve as well, but not so much at first.

My parents live on the other side of the country and my wife's parents live on the other side of this neighborhood. (1 mile away)

We go there often for dinner... maybe like 1 or 2 times a week. They are actually the opposite. They told me that they think I wanted to go to work and that I should if that is what I wanted. They like the idea of me at home, but feel I would be happier working.

I assured them I was fine and we don't discuss much more about it. I always give the highlights of the week when we go over. :D

[Jackson's Dad]

Two three times a month? Make ours 2-3 times a week, on a slow week. Yep, we used to live across the country from our parents, but when the bambino was on his way, we've moved back home, and are now 20-30 minutes away from her parents. But that's been a good thing -- her mom's been a big help, and since we are new to the area, they give us some of the only social life we have.

Too bad my parents are still a 6 hour drive away. I have so many home improvement projects, and could use some more help from my Dad!

[Remington]

No we go to my inlaws 1-2 times per WEEK. I actually get along well with my mother inlaw. She was a stay at home mom all her life and still is with some of the younger siblings my wife has. But they are all very independent kids and so we drink coffee and let the kids play, etc.. So some days I go over without the wife and just chat.

I don't have a lot of friends I can do that with.

I am also in the same boat as you with my dad. I got a lot of work to do on the house and my dad used to be in the construction business for years. SO I could use a lot of his handy work. I can do things myself but with him around he knows all the tricks and can save me a ton of time.

Experience goes a long way.

[tt3]

Its us that see them 2 or 3 times a month... see the thing is though, you guys go to your in-laws for maybe a few hours at a crack right? But we are there, or they are here for an entire weekend sometimes longer.
Its great to have someone to draw from experience with the projects, though...
onward!

[Don-Dad]

Two, three times a month Geez, and I thought you liked your inlaws, hehehehe.

I see my parents about once a month, they live 3 hours form my house and they rarely ever come to my house. With 2 kids, traveling 3 hours is a chore. My parents are the home body type. They never take vacations and rarely leave a 30 mile radius of their home. So if I don't make it out there, they don't see the kids. It's a tough position to be in.

My wife's parents, the inlaws, are about 15 minutes away and we mostly go over their house. They are wonderful people.

[SAHF]

I get along great with my Father in-law, but the Mother in-law is another thing. She has openingly tried to run my family ever since my wife and I were just dating. I do not let it get to me, I just use my father in-law to have her bend to my will... :wink:

As for their feelings about me staying at home and making this my job....the father side thinks it is a great idea, but the mother side thinks that I am lazy. Hell, even my parents think that as well.

Oh well, I am not raising them and that is how I look at it! SWEET!!

[floridamcmarion1]

Both our fathers died almost 9 years ago. I have a lot of tension with her mother. She is too much like my mother, who was the cause of me getting counseling when I was younger. The difference between them is that I got my mother to stop the insanity, but her mother won't stop. She also believes that it is a good idea to give my ADHD son cake and ice cream for breakfast and then gets mad at him when he won't listen. She is of the basic idea that our parenting is all wrong, while she has it all figured out. She also finds it fun to belittle me and the kids. Many times she will try to start a fight with me so she can act all dramatic when I bite back. She acts the same way with her other daughter and her family. She is of Armenian descent, and was raised by parents who were very much like she now acts. My wife tells me she treats me just like my father-in-law was treated by his mother-in-law. She thought is was horrible then, but now she treats me that way. I do my best to avoid her when she is around. It just so happens that she is here now for a couple weeks for the birth of our baby that we are going to adopt. We also have some tensions because she treats our children (all adopted) different than she treats her blood grandchildren from her other daughter. When we tried in-vitro, after already adopting, she made the comment that she prayed it would work so we would give her a "real" grandchild and we would get to have a "real" child. Last time I checked none of my kids were artificial.

Oddly enough, she has not commented at all on our decision for me to quit work and stay home. That tells me that she thinks it's a good idea, as she would gladly tell me if she didn't. However, it's not in her to give me a compliment.

My mom thinks it's a great idea and that I'm very brave to do it. She took care of my brother and I and knows how much work it is.

My mother lives in Oregon while my mother-in-law lives near Pensacola, Florida. While still in the same state, it's about a 7 hour drive from here.

[tommyw/1]

Hey FLMc1, sounds like a tough situation over there. I suppose with the 7 hour drive, you don't get too many "surprise" visits.

I often wonder how many crackers, gold fish & cheerios my mother in-law will allow my daughter to put in her mouth(all at once) before she says enough is enough? :vom: ? Just assume since she raised two kids of her own that she knows what she's doing, but I'm finding that we've all got our "own ideas" of how things should be handled.

With my situation, I used my wife as a mediator, and found it to be effective, as I wrote above, and it helped with our relations. I never imagined my relationship with my In-laws would have evolved to where it is now. Maybe your wife can remind your Inlaw(her Mother-Wow i'm gettin confused) of how she used to feel it was horrible when her husband was treated the same way by his mother in law.

Sounds like she may be a tough one though, being she's got the same track record with the rest of her family. Keep tyring though, kill her with kindness, and work at it while she's there......it'll make you a better person for trying. Good luck! By the way, when's she leaving :D ?

[SAHF]

I am guessing, not soon enough!

[floridamcmarion1]

My wife can't stand up to her. I have asked her to interceed, but she always says "She won't listen to me. She'll just get mad at me. Can't you just let her do her thing and wait until she leaves?" The only real time I have seen her stand up to her mother was about the "real" children versus adopted children. We see her once or twice a year. I expect her to leave Monday or Tuesday. It should be interesting this weekend when our baby is born. I'm sure she'll try to be the main attraction, even though it isn't her "real" grandchild. The only time she made comments about our children not being her real grandchildren to my mother I thought she was going to take her head off! My mom now refuses to come visit if my mother-in-law is here.

My wife has now had her fill and went off on me this morning for something trivial just so she could burn off her frustration. I even tried to walk away, but she followed me. I do love my mother-in-law. I love her to be at her house!

[SAHF]

Man...I feel for you!

I wife will not intervien as well. It drives me crazy at times but hey, yours only comes to visit once or twice a year. Think about if yours came down for the ENTIRE Winter (yes, they are Snow Birds). And before you ask, they do the whole camp hosting thing.

I do feel for you and just wait.....she will be leaving soon and you can get back to you lovely family and your newest addition!

[Jackson's Dad]

Oh my, you have it tough.

I guess it is one of those "hate the behavior not the person" situations. Be kind to her, but if she exhibits bad behavior (adopted vs "real") nip it in the bud. Man, one word in your house that those kids aren't "real" and she should be invited to leave. No kid should grow up with a family member even breathing something like that! How do people like her rationalize their thinking? I don't get it.

[tommyw/1]

Sounds like your wife addressed those unacceptable comments fairly well....hopefully, your mother in-law won't cross that line again. But if she does, I agree with Jackson's Dad on that one......help her find the door.

[SAHF]

Well put Jackson's Dad!

[mjknapp]

I feel for ya to, my mother in-law is the wicked witch of the east coast. I dont even know where to begin with her. She absolutely hates me, she doesnt come around any more as I put up with her for a year, then she stepped way to far out of line, and my wife had been telling me for months to put her into her place, so I did. She quit calling coming over, never heard anything for about 2 months, then around thanksgiving of last year, my wife got served with papers from the sheriff's office. She opened it up, and low and behold her mom was suing her for custody of Portia (my stepdaughter). My wife freaked out on her, we went to her uncle's lawyer that handles all of his lottery issues, he is an awesome lawyer, well as awesome as lawyers can get, but very honest, upfront, and did what we wanted. Oh hell, this is going to be a long post, I'll start a new paragraph to let you guys take a breath. :lol:

We walked into his office and told him what was going on, showed him the papers, and then he started laughing, he said that this will never go to court, that any honest lawyer would have told her mom that she had no legs to stand on. He showed us what the PA law was, and explained to us why she didnt have a chance, and then asked us what we wanted to do, gave us two options, he said he could mediate it and make a scheduled visitation for her, or he could more or less run her mom over the coals and make sure she got nothing she wanted. This is what her mom was asking for: she wanted every other weekend, one night a week, all holidays except for mother's day, christmas morning and all. Rhi (my wife) was fuming mad, and I decided it wasnt my place to say anythingat this time, so I stepped back and let her make the choice. She told him that she wanted to make sure her mom got absolutely nothing she wanted, but not to take it to far, as she did not want to hurt her mom financially. So Arthur (the lawyer) played it out for a few months, then had a mediation date set, we walked into the mediation room, all sat down, and the mediator looked at the case and then closed all of her books and looked at my mother in-law and more or less told her she was crazy, that we had all the power in telling her if she could visit or to stay the hell away. Her mom started getting mad at the mediator and the mediator stopped her in her tracks and yelled at her telling her she did not meet any of the states requirements to even file a suit like this, My mother in-law asked her "well then what are the state requirements" the mediator told her "that is why she is paying for a lawyer, and she should ask him, then closed the case.

We havent heard anything from her mother since, except the stuff she told my wife's sister, she told my wife's sister that we told the mediator lies in order for her not to be able to see the kids, we didnt say a word in the room, but I think her mom was just embarresed and wouldnt tell the truth, she told her entire familythe same lie, so My wife had our lawyer draw up papers with the mediators signature that explained what happened in that room, and we mailed copies of that to her mom's entire side of the family.

I hope noone else ever has to go through something like that, but just between all of us here, I enjoyed watching her mom go down in flames, aww the sweet smell of satisfaction. But that is our secret ok.

[Jackson's Dad]

Wow. That is amazingly disturbing story. No offense to your wife, but her mom is a freak. A person like that -- that's not an influence you want to have on your children. Keep her far far away!

[mjknapp]

My wife would take no offense to that, her and her sister told me when I first met my wife that their mom was crazy, but I just thought they were talking like every kid thinks of their parent, I didnt know they really meant crazy.

[Don-Dad]

Damn, that whole situation absolutely sucks! Mom needs some medication or something. That situation put a whole lot of unneeded stress on your whole family not to mention a waste of time and money in lawyer fees.

[tt3]

Wow, I shudder at the thought of something like that happening. Scary.
Glad we get along with ours...

[floridamcmarion1]

That makes my mother-in-law sound like a princess. Mine is annoying and makes some really rude comments on occasion, but would never do something like that.

I'm also glad to report the her royal highness got in her car and left about a 1/2 hour ago. she doesn't plan to come back until January.

[Remington]

:shock: :shock: :shock:

Wow! I am lucky to have a mother inlaw I can sit, chat, and have coffee with each week!

[Jackson's Dad]

Yeah, I know -- I lucked out in the in-law department. Great people, easy to hang out with. Ah, they are push-overs in the spoiling department (our dog has already learned this), but they are willing to help whenever we need it.

[mjknapp]

I think I am pretty luck to have my mother inlaw be like that, I dont have to deal with her at all now. 8)

[SAHF]

That makes my mother-in-law sound like a princess. Mine is annoying and makes some really rude comments on occasion, but would never do something like that.

I'm also glad to report the her royal highness got in her car and left about a 1/2 hour ago. she doesn't plan to come back until January.

Congrats....ANOTHER small victory for Man-Kind!! Just think...the rest of this year can only get better! :P

[benj]

kill her with kindness,
Sorry Tom1 I’d go with the other side of the argument…Perhaps this Armenian nutter, from the old country, only bends to patriarch strength… this means put the law down hard and fast and ‘follow up’ with some serious behaviour modifiers rather than acquiescence. … ….
If every body in the family tolerates this unacceptable and undermining behaviour why she would want to stop…she has power and control…You need to stop this cancer now before it infects another generation…
…Mc1, it’s time to adopt one more child, (or rather a firm, new policy) ...accept no more undermining…especially in front of your kids…also, by avoiding her, you’re you’re signalling that she’s stronger than you and that she’s winning…the sad truth is everybody is losing…
Find the courage so that you can reclaim your family virtue and it is possible that her respect in you may surface as you speak with ‘actions’ rather than words…I feel this is the kind of woman who only respects patriarch strength…be polite and show your kids a lesson on how to handle this kind of challenge…
ADHD: My seven year old nephew was diagnosed with ADD only to find out that he had a higher than average I.Q. and was only getting bored so easily…G’Luck

[SAHF]

Bingo...same with my son! Sounds like the doctors are just copping out!

[Remington]

Doctors seem to want to label everybody with something so they can get $$$$

All kids have ADD. Once you label it gets worse because then they think they have a "real" problem and that hinders growth.

[benj]

ADD could also stand for Absent Dad Disorder...especially for boys once they hit five or six...
That's when their second stage of development kicks in and boys start wanting to learn to be a man, and looks more and more to his dad for interest and activity...dads little shadow...
If dad's too busy or often absent problems began to manifest...
Of course this could never happen to a son of sahd...right guys...we're here and there and everywhere 24/7...sahd I am...

[SAHF]

As you know...I do not get along at all with my Mother inlaw (I do in front of the kids!).

But yesterday, the wife gets a call and it is her dad. Her mom has a tumor on her pancreas. They are going to do surgry Tuesday to see if it is cancerous. If it is...she has been given these stats of survival:

Just a tumor - normal life with some complications (limited effect)
Cancerous and non-aggressive - 3-5 years
Cancerous and aggressive - 3-6 months

Now it puts the whole bickering in perspective.

[Jackson's Dad]

That sucks, man. I hope her prognosis is good.

ADD could also stand for Absent Dad Disorder...especially for boys once they hit five or six

Benj, that reminds me of an interesting thing I learned. There was a nature preserve in Africa which they had repopulated with young elephants, hoping to rebuild the population. But when the young males turned adolescent, they ran into a serious problem. They became delinquents, destroying food, and even killing other animals for no reason. The rangers finally had a brainstorm and brought over some adult males to live there. Within a few months, the adult males had whipped the boys into shape, and the problems ceased. The adolescent males had no role models to learn from, and thus didn't know how to be adult males.

Fascinating stuff.

Dan

[benj]

Dan, great story….here is where it gets really interesting…With boys, the first stage is from birth to six- the age when the boy primarily belongs to mum…He is ‘her’ boy, even though dad (non sahd) may play a very large role. The aim at this age is to give strong love and security and to ‘switch a boy on’ to life as a warm and welcoming experience…Let’s face it, no one does warm and fuzzy better than a mum…
Your conundrum, like the bull elephant story, is that nature will require you to fill the vacancy that your wife would normally provide eight to twelve hours a day…
Here in Oz we have a fish called the Barramundi that starts out life as a male… as they mature some morph into females…I sometimes felt like a Barra during my first few years as a sahd to fill the gap…Still bored?

[mjknapp]

the stigma of not being the "breadwinner" is more within my own mind than an outside perception.

That is probably true, but it sure is hard not to think about it at first huh?

[tt3]

the stigma of not being the "breadwinner" is more within my own mind than an outside perception.

That is probably true, but it sure is hard not to think about it at first huh?
Its still hard not to think about it, to be honest.

SAHF, sorry to hear about your MIL, regardless of behavior and feelings, its tough facing something as scary as that for the whole family.

benj, there's a couple species of frogs that'll morph if there's no males in the group too. Ain't nature grand!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, thinking of it first is a natural instinct (though some sociologists contend that humans don't posess instinct). I've spent a lot of time reading as many of the different messages as I could and, by gaw! This is fantastic. What's so remarkable is how I'm not alone in the way I feel.... this is in fact normal! How enlightening. [/quote]

[JC]

In-laws live in town. Mother-in-law is GREAT! Never said a word about the wedding, child rearing, etc (although I know she wanted to). Father-in-law spouts off once in awhile but he hasn't a clue as to what he is talking about. I honestly don't think the man has EVER cooked a meal, cleaned a dish or helped around the house much at all. However, the man taught me to run electrical lines, hang drywall, install ceramic tile, etc. Best summer I ever had was living at my in-laws, working part-time and helping him totally finish his basement. Worked for beer and food...seems I've come full circle (LOL).

My parents are in their 80s, so I'm just blessed to still have them around. I also have to visit them (like Don), but it is because I don't want them to drive 1 and 1/2 hours to our place.

[Jackson's Dad]

the stigma of not being the "breadwinner" is more within my own mind than an outside perception.

I have never had any issues with my wife making the money for the family (and she's always made more than me). My perspective is, we are a team, so who cares who brings in the money or takes out the trash, as long as it gets done. I guess that as an artist, I never considered myself in a position to win much bread anyway. :D

[SAHF]

In-law update:

We flew up there last Tuesday to give our support.

MIL is on her way out. She does have cancer in a bad way and she was given 2-6 months to live. Everyone we talked to up there about it says that this type of cancer, she has more like 2-3 months to live.

Her family is taking it very well and yet they all non-affected. DIL breaks down once in awhile, BIL...nothing, and wife is doing good. We are going to tell my kids as she gets closer to the end.

I did get a chance to sit with her and chat WITHOUT the entire family around.

I told her that life sucks, but what can you do (as you can tell, I am very blunt). Live what life you have left to its fullest and do not worry about anything or anyone. Your family is strong and is doing well, despite not saying anything. She then proceded to break down and cry and gave me a hug that seem to last FOREVER (she is not a touchy feely type of person).

All is well...she said after she lives it up for about a month, she is going get a living will together and take care of business so her family is taken care of.

So all the kind words are welcomed...and thank you all!