put to sleep styles: me vs. the wife

[quintets]

Hi, I've got a 4 y.o. girl and a 6 month old girl and my wife works 6 days a week. We swapped primary/secondary caregiver roles for the second child and generally, it's been pretty good. Now "putting baby to sleep" is a problem. Lately, I've been thinking more about how I put my younger one to sleep. The problem is, whatever it is that I do, my wife can't do it and it's starting to stress her out.

Basically this is what I do.

-I always try to put her down in the "window of opportunity" around 1.5-2hrs after she wakes up for her feed.
-I wrap her tight, arms in with a warm blanket.
-I make sure she's not too hot or too cold.
-If she's really wriggly, I start doing squat thrusts so she gets the up and down motion to settle her. If it really gets bad, I'll turn the dryer on and walk back and forth outside the door.
-I make sure she can breathe through her nose. Sometimes she gets a bit of saline nasal drops or Dimetapp if she has a cold.
-I rock her to sleep in my arms with a dummy in her mouth.

Tonight, it was a little different. Peta woke at 6pm for a 7pm feed. Mom fed her the bottle at 7:30pm (no dramas), and rice cereal at 8pm-8:30. She started putting her to bed. She had gotten Peta down to sleep(I think) and I went out to run some errands (mail, check post box, return library books). When I came back 45 minutes later the baby was back out on the matt and my wife was stressed out. She had given her some baby panadol (ie. Australian Tylenol, so to speak) for "teething" and said said "Either tell me your secret of how you put her to bed or change how she goes to sleep". Apparently, she had spent the whole time I was out trying to get her to sleep. Perplexed about the not sleeping, I didn't say anything and my wife soon after loudly announced she was going to bed.

I eventually put the baby down, but I had to go "full sensory deprivation". ie. all lights and TV off with just the dryer for white noise. Side to side rocking and up/down rocking and it still took 2-3 times longer than normal. Even I was a bit puzzled.

So...what do I say to my wife? :-#

Do I
a) tell her it was a harder one than normal and even I had to struggled get her down. Give her lots of encouragement.
b) tell her my secret, but I don't think she can do as many squats as I can, which will piss her off anyway.
c) change the baby's sleeping to "be able to put the baby down while awake and she'll settle herself" as well as "no dummy"?

The last one is doable because I live down the street from a public funded baby care centre where I can get a day stay and the nurses will help do baby behaviour change. Apparently, it's possible to get her to sleep without all the rocking and the dummy. It just takes a week of hell and firm changes at home afterwards.

I know I'm doing exactly what I did when I was secondary caregiver; ie. I spent lots of time holding our first child (bonding) and held her until she fell asleep. Even if I got our second to sleep without the nursing and the dummy (soother), I might tell my wife to invest the time and hold Peta and nurse her until she falls asleep.

On top of all this, I think my wife got the first one to sleep without dummies and without nursing her to sleep. So she may be wishing I did that as well, and trying to avoid "telling" me how to do it.

I dunno.

Does anyone else have this problem? :-k :-k

Jireh

[buster]

I would suggest trying to work more "independence" into her sleeping if possible. It sounds like she could be "hooked" on your routine. IMO 6 months is getting old enough not to need rocking but dark and quiet (perhaps with white noise) is a good idea. Eventually she will need to put herself to sleep on her own and now is a great time to start. The 2 hour window sounds good too. My 5 month old is like a stop watch; 2 hours from wake up he is ready to go down. I put him in his crib no matter what, set the timer for 10 to 15 minutes until I check on him. Unless he's screaming bloody murder, I let him be. Now when we can get them both napping at the same time you're a demi-god.

[Math Daddy]

I'm assuming a "dummy" is a pacifier? When I first read the message, I had an image of the stereotypical "village idiot" being chewed on by your daughter. Then I reread the sentence and figured it out. I still like my image better. :lol:

I would just tell your wife what you've been doing with Peta, and maybe consider altering her habits. When I started staying home with my son (he was 6 months at the time), he didn't take naps. I had him trained in a week. I just gave him his favorite toy, turned on the musical mirror thingy in his crib, walked out and closed the door. No big production, no fuss, just a simple "Have a good nap, buddy." He would fuss and scream for a while, but since I have spent the last several years teaching teenagers, I was able to ignore it easily. It was harder for my wife to ignore, but she eventually was able to. Now he goes down easily. (He's 17 months.) He'll still fuss a little bit, but is usually out in five minutes. It just takes patience to find the right method.

If all else fails, you could try hypnotism.... :wink:

[Jackson's Dad]

Tell her it was tougher. Infants are finicky creatures, and there's no way you could know if your daughter wasn't sleeping well because your wife doesn't have your knack, or because your daughter was having trouble sleeping that night.

But I agree, try (c) moving her to be less dependant on your specific routine. This will only make things easier in the future.

[quintets]

Okay, I just put here down for her morning sleep. I changed her, cleared her nose, wrapped her nice and warm and placed her down with an extra blanket. No dummy (pacifier), no music, no rocking. Said "sleep time" and walked out. She's been crying on and off for about 10 minutes now in 3 minute bursts. It's more upset than desperate, ie. she's not REALLY committed to the crying :lol:

The length and rate of crying seems to be slowing down. I think this is working...so far...this first time. I'll definitely try this a week.

I agree she's probably hooked on my routine. I think I've overdone the "caring nurturing" side. It's probably a hangover from the days when I was working and would put the first one down in the evenings. I just liked being with her and would rock her to sleep. I've carried that through to the second child, but it's probably not a good idea now. Thanks for all the tips.

Jireh

[Jackson's Dad]

6 months is a good time to do this. We often call it "ferberizing" after the book by Dr. Ferber. When I did it with my son (at 5 months) I posted a little diary on here (http://www.dadstayshome.com/dadforum/viewtopic.php?t=470) describing it.

Also, do a search on this forum for "ferber" and you'll find lots of our conversations on it.

Good luck!

[quintets]

Okay, the afternoon sleep yesterday was a writeoff because of a noisy neighbour installing new built-in wardrobes in his apartment. Gotta love the sound of a masonary drill bit...NOT!! Nobody slept yesterday afternoon.

In the evening, we had to go back to the old way because I had to go out in the evening and my wife didn't want a "night from hell" trying to put Peta down to sleep. As normal, she slept solid through. I hope I didn't undo anything.

This morning, I had to make a tough decision about whether to continue with the "Ferber" method because she had a really stuffy nose and chesty cough. It's a heart wrenching decision to just put her down because she sounds so ill, but I know she's alright. It's southern winter downunder and the weather has been playing havoc. I gave her extra chest pats to loosen the phlegmn and I decided to go halfway and gave her the dummy while wrapped, but no rocking to sleep. I really think she's used to my sound, smell, touch...whatever. That is one part of my "style" that I know I enjoy. I love holding my kids and at bedtime, that's gotta stop. Anyway, she was silent in 10 minutes and I'm thinking, okay...maybe we haven't lost too much ground.

This afternoon, she was pretty tired to begin with because we overshot the "sleep window" with a visit to the early childhood heath nurse (6mo checkup). I wrapped her, extra blanket to stay warm. No dummy. No rocking. She was, amazingly, out like a light within 5 minutes. So far so good.

Now that I'm reading this "Ferber" thread, I think I may have to dig out the bed sheets and get her used to sleeping without the wrap. That could be interesting.

Thanks Jackson's Dad for the Ferber link. I had never heard of this before.

I have my own variation of the "3 day" rule. It's the "when asking directions in Paris, ask three people and take an average". With the kids, "nothing is real until it happens three times in a row". =D>

We'll see how it goes.

Jireh

[buster]

good luck down there. We adjusted the ferber method to fit our stlye a bit as I remember. We didn't like "never" visiting the little one if she was crying. Let your wife know it can be really hard for a day or two until they really start getting to sleep on their own, but then you will be golden and helped her learn a skill for life.

[Jackson's Dad]

This morning, I had to make a tough decision about whether to continue with the "Ferber" method because she had a really stuffy nose and chesty cough. It's a heart wrenching decision to just put her down because she sounds so ill, but I know she's alright.

That's the whole point -- if you know she's alright, but sounds bad, then trust your head and not your emotions. We found that when he was sick, he needs sleep more. If we give in and try to comfort him, he just gets less sleep and feels worse. It's one of those ironic aspects of being a parent. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give them space.

Good luck!