Dads With Disabilities

[akcrewdog]

I'm 35 y/o and a sahd not by choice. 4 years ago I had a great career in the air force. I became ill with a rear neurological condition which eventually caused me to start having seizures. Now I am home all day playing mommy………I guess someone has to with my wife working and all. It’s been a real up hill struggle for my family. All my kids are in school now and with my wife working (and me not) I feel unneeded. My wife tells me I am needed. I do all the “wifey” stuff. I just wonder if there is anyone out there in a situation like mine. :(

[tt3]

First of all, welcome aboard. Having to stay home for health reasons is a bum drag, I've ran into a few folks, my mom included, that are forced to stay home. Make the best of it you can.
How old are your kids?
I don't want to come off harsh, but I would try for a whole paradigm shift. New mission objectives if that helps. First consider, you are there to help your kids get off to school, and there when they get home. Any problems that they could or might have can be talked about right away when they are fresh. Just simply being there is powerful stuff! I was a latchkey kid throughout school...
Now the shift. Don't consider yourself "playing" anything, unless you've got a daughter and you're pretending house, wearing an apron and dress. Seriously, does your wife walk out the door saying, "Bye now, I've got to go play daddy"? You've got an important role as sahd. Your wife can go to work knowing she won't have a pile of housework to do when she comes home. She doesn't have to take valuable vacation time or sick time when one of the kids are sick. If they are still young, you don't have to figure out what you are going to do once school gets out, or during a school holiday that she still has to work. The housework is just a necessity that needs to be done. There's hell to pay if I don't get the laundry done for Val's work clothes. I hate doing the laundry, but its just a part of the deal. Do it quick and move on.
If you want to play all day, find something cool to take up your time, read up on whatever interests you, pick up an instrument, learn how to juggle, whatever trips your trigger. (My daughter loves it when I juggle for her, but she's only 2. :lol: ) I like to get caught up during the week, so I get one or two nap times that are just for me, no house work, nothing. Just sit and read, or play on the computer.

Anyway, I hope I'm not seeming too out of place here. Truly, welcome aboard, even posting a bit will surely help. I'm sorry I can't better relate to your situation, though.
I hope it works out for you,
cheers

[Remington]

Welcome aboard! :D

I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we fall into certain circumstances that we personally may not enjoy, but it is our purpose at the time.

I think having life is a gift and everything beyond that is bonus. So, I would focus on what you have to work with and doing the best you can with what God has given you. :wink:

Of course it is a lot easier said than done. I am sure there are others out there that arein the same situation.

I know I am in the same boat as doing the 'wifey' stuff and sometimes when my hands get soft from dish soap, baby wipes, and folding the laundry it can make me feel exactly like I imagine the typical wife to be.

[SAHF]

I'm 35 y/o and a sahd not by choice. 4 years ago I had a great career in the air force. I became ill with a rear neurological condition which eventually caused me to start having seizures. Now I am home all day playing mommy………I guess someone has to with my wife working and all. It’s been a real up hill struggle for my family. All my kids are in school now and with my wife working (and me not) I feel unneeded. My wife tells me I am needed. I do all the “wifey” stuff. I just wonder if there is anyone out there in a situation like mine. :(

First the nice-ities!

WELCOME aboard and you are already off to a great start!

Now...facts.

I too was in the Air Force and I have some disability (30%) due to the Air Force. No, I know...it is NOT even close to the same thing. BUT what I am driving at is the military makes men of us all!

You are not the Mommy..you are the Daddy with a HUGE heart. Do not down play your role in your family. Your kids are off and in school...CONGRATS! How did they get there? Did they take care of themselves, are they making sure their homework is done, who do they go to to get advice on project, help, or anything relating to ANYTHING?

I already know most of those answers and you being one of the few from the USAF, you know the answers before I could even spit them out of my mouth!

If it was not for your role in your families life, where do you think they would be right now? Think of it this way (a little harsh but I think needed), what if you were in Saudi and you died. What then? Who would do what you do EVERYDAY? How would your kids get their basic needs taken care of (food, clothes, getting up in the AM)? How would your wife be able to handle work and what you do?

I would like to apoligize for being harsh, but as an ex-Air Force guy I do not like to see one of 'ours' down playing what their role is in life. Just you being the military is a HUGE acheivement, even if you were just an admin or something.

I am sure your wife and children love you very much. You have come to the right site. There is a lot of SAHD...some by choice, others not. We all lean on each other in some way shape or form.

Please, bring some of your experiences to this table and air them out. Since your kids are in school, SHARE....Believe it or not, we have guys here that are or were worried about the 1st day of school. We all could use your experiences and turn them in to a positive for us!

Again, sorry for being harsh, but if you truely a military man...you understand! If you want to talk more 1-1, hit me up on IM...

AIM/YIM - hrwasp
MSN - hrwasp@hotmail.com
ICQ - 170664944

There...no excuses about which IM you use! I use them all! :P

[Don-Dad]

akcrewdog,

Welcome to our site. Glad you found us. I know in the past there have been a few othe dads who were at home and not by choice. Maybe one of them will chime in.

About feeling unneeded. Think about how your children might feel if they come home to an empty house or have to be dropped off at daycare before and after school. Now's the time to embrace your children and the role you can play in their development.

[akcrewdog]

Let me start by say thanks to all for the warm welcome. I’ve got 4 kids in all. The two oldest are from my wife’s first marriage. Number 3 is from my previous marriage. And our youngest is ours together. Their ages are 15, 12, 10, & 7. It goes boy, boy, girl, boy.
Our 7 y/o (Ashton) has ADHD and is a handful. And that’s putting it mildly. However he is smart as a whip and believe it or not quite mature for his age (his teacher call him her little old man). I wish our 15 y/o (Anthony NOT Tony) knew half of what he thinks he does. Man teenagers; will I survive? Our 12 y/o (Chris) is the go-getter. He wants to do anything to help and will always do anything he is asked to do. There seems to be nothing he won’t do or at least try. Our 10 y/o (Stephanie) is 10 going on 30. She is such a girly girl. She is petite and beautiful………Blond hair and blue eyes. I really dread 16……….I’m afraid some young man will have his life cut short…but seriously it scares the hell out of me. What’s a daddy to do with his “little girl”?
:lol:

[waldo]

Welcome akcrewdog, glad your here. I am very close to the subject of adhd because I have a strong diagnosed case of it, and am now seeing the same thing in my oldest( 4). Btw its very much a genetic thing. It's wonderful that you are aware of this when he is so young. My parents did not realize my situation (not much was known about adhd/add in the 70's/80's) and let's just say I have felt the results of years of struggling without help in this issue.

I believe you have an extremely valueable role in helping your youngest especially. If I can suggest two books (you may have read them): "Driven to Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey, and "Healing ADD" by Daniel Amen. Amazing books; add is simply not understand by the majority of people.

I cannot speak from experience about having a teenage son, but I DO know that with all of massive amounts of hormones being pumped in, it's a wonder ANY of us come out allive from that. I mean, hormones are kept under lock-n-key in pharmacies and are kept with the narcotics. It's powerful stuff that can make you do things you would not otherwise do.


Waldo

[akcrewdog]

Waldo, thanks for you insite and advice

Doug

[tt3]

I really dread 16……….I’m afraid some young man will have his life cut short…but seriously it scares the hell out of me. What’s a daddy to do with his “little girl”?
:lol:

Awwman, I tell you what, my shotguns will be kept nice and shiny and oiled for they day my little girl starts dating! :twisted: :twisted:
:lol:

[Remington]

heheheheeeeeeeeee!

:twisted: :twisted:

[akcrewdog]

Hi Tony,
She isalready talking about a boy she likes.....it's just to much and to soon. My shotgun is ready to go!

[Don-Dad]

One time my buddy was dating this 16 year old girl, we were 18 or 19. One day I show up with my buddy to pick her up. Dads in the driveway with a shotgun. "Hi, this is my friend Don" Dads response " Meet smith and Wesson" and he had a a shotgun in his hand, scared the Bejesus out of me :lol:

[tt3]

The sad thing is we'd probably get hauled away for something like that nowadays. sheesh...
I'd have to change that phrase though... Here's my friend, Remington, he goes by 870, but you can call him number 1 steel. I'd hate for someone to get lead posoning, ya know ;)
Ooh, reminds me of the advice I heard at the local brewshop when I was complaining about the rabbits eating my new hops coming up. He told me to get some lead based spray. Being the mild environmentalist that I am, I looked at him with a load of skepticism until he finished his joke. It comes in two types for rabbits, .22 or .410 :D :lol:

[Jackson's Dad]

Welcome to the group. Everyone said some good stuff above, so there's not much to add. But wow, with a 7-year old with ADAD, I imagine you have a full-time job on your hands helping him grow up and be the best person he can become. He sounds like a good kid, and I bet you have something to do with that. :)

You know, one thing I've realized is that we are so programmed to consider work careers as the only true measure of our worth. But you know, work is easy. Any job, even being the military I bet, is a piece of cake compared to being a good father and husband. Once our own little guy arrived, I just started to realize how meaningless traditional work is. Sure it can be a challenge and fun, but in the end, what does it matter? Work doesn't change the world, but being a good father... that creates a world. Wow, the impact you have is enormous. And scary.

Anyway, I am rambling.

Dan

[akcrewdog]

Thanks Dan,
Every day is different with an ADHD Child. This morning he didn't want the ceral we had, so he had a cheeze sandwhich for breakfast. Oh well, he didn't go to school hungry.

[akcrewdog]

Can anyone help me? I've been trying to upload a photo but all I get is an "X" where the pic should be.

[tt3]

You need somewhere to host it, photobucket.com is one I've heard, not used. Don can help you out hosting it, or so can I. Email it to me ttreml3-at-hotmail.com and I'll send you back its location.

[Don-Dad]

email me your pic to, dleiser2 - at - yahoo.com (replace - at - with @, this is done to avoid spam) and I can upload the pic to the server and link it to your profile.

Don

[tt3]

oho! Well, better take Don up on it, I can host it, but I can't link it for you in your profile! :D :lol:

[Jackson's Dad]

This morning he didn't want the ceral we had, so he had a cheeze sandwhich for breakfast

Sounds like every kid i know. :roll: :) My neice and nephew went for a streak where all they'd eat was hot dog buns with ketchup. Not hamburger buns, not bread -- hotdog buns.

[kidswriter71]

I too am a SAHD with a disability. Less than two months ago I quit my job as a broadcast engineer in another state and moved my family back to New York, closer to our families.

Last October I was diagnosed with Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (http://www.4hcm.org) . My job required a lot of travel and after traveling three hours to a job site I nearly collapsed and wound up in the hospital two days later. I am still not sure what the eventual prognosis will be. I gave up my position in line to see a specialist because the opportunity to move to the quiet countryside came up and I knew I could no longer handle the job any longer, so we moved instead.

My wife has a degree in architecture and design and is quite close to having a BA in psychology. She has been a SAHM for 10 years and we're hoping that she can finish her degree and get a good job as a counselor.

Even though I made decent money, finances have been really tight, especially after getting hit with the medical bills...

We have eight children, counting "his, hers, and ours". Four of them are with us full-time, three are with us every holiday and all summer, and another one we're in a battle over right now. Long story...

I think neither my wife nor I are really used to my condition yet. I frequently "overdo it" and end up in bed for hours trying to recover from something I did that was too much. My wife is very understanding most of the time but sometimes she doesn't get it...

Anyway, I'm fairly used to doing things around the house. I was a single dad for over two years before remarrying, and I have always helped around the house to some extent.

I cook, in fact my wife and kids say I have a natural talent. I actually enjoy it. Believe it or not, I derive great satisfaction out of serving my family a nice meal or even a simple breakfast of pancakes and eggs. I like to do funny stuff like see how close I can get, tossing a pancake onto their plates. Most times I hit the bullseye but I've been known to miss on occasion, which always makes the day start off with a good laugh.

My wife and I have things that we have agreed to each do and not do around the house. For instance, she hates washing laundry and I hate folding, and vice-versa, so I wash and dry and she folds and puts away. It seems to work out pretty well this way.

Well, my four year old just got out of the bath and I have to send her off to preschool soon, so I have to wrap this up.

I'll finish by saying to the opening poster that I understand what you're going through. I have days when I'm very depressed and wonder what real use I am to my family. The truth is, our families very much need us and the things we do that seem so insignificant are really important. Who better to buckle my four year old's shoes than me? Who else is going to brush my two year old's hair the way she likes it? Who else are they going to tease back and call "Stinky Daddy" when I throw a little playful teasing their way? I guess we now have a little understanding of what SAHM's have been going through for centuries.

I guess we need to savor the moments and realize, as another poster already expressed, that we may not be flying an F-16 or nursing a 20 kW Harris broadcast transmitter back to life, but are the things we do for our family at home any less important?

[/url]

[SAHF]

OMG....

REM...you lose!

We have eight children

:o

[Remington]

WOW! :shock:

In December I will be half way there. :lol:

[tt3]

kw71, those other posts are another way of saying "Welcome aboard!"

:lol:

With the safe coming of our second in October, we'll be um.. one fourth the way there, and thats probably where we'll always be! :lol:

Louis, glad you know where your tax returns are! I think I could tell you which room ours are in, but not with any degree of certainty! :roll:

[Jackson's Dad]

kidswriter71, well said! =D>

[akcrewdog]

Thank kidswriter71 for you eve opening words. There are only a few of us who can relate.

Todayhas been a tough one. I was so tired I didn't even cook [color=darkred]dinner. We had sandwhiches tonight. But there will always be days like this from time to time. And We'll get thru it. We have to. We have the most important job in the world.........making sure our kids are raised well.

GITTERDUN

[SAHF]

:prayer:

[kidswriter71]

Thank kidswriter71 for you eve opening words. There are only a few of us who can relate.

Todayhas been a tough one. I was so tired I didn't even cook [color=darkred]dinner. We had sandwhiches tonight. But there will always be days like this from time to time. And We'll get thru it. We have to. We have the most important job in the world.........making sure our kids are raised well.

GITTERDUN

I had two days like that this week. Yesterday was one of them. I get what I call "body shutdown", which is exactly that. I get so tired I can't stay awake (without being a totally bumbling, stumbling, irritable bastard) and sometimes have to sleep on and off for hours during the day. I hate feeling like that, but I can't help it. Yesterday I had chicken all lined up to prepare and my wife ended up cooking spaghetti at the last minute instead. Fortunately I don't have days that bad very often. I really overdid it earlier this week and paid for it... You just do the best you can, you know?

[kidswriter71]

kw71, those other posts are another way of saying "Welcome aboard!"

:lol:

With the safe coming of our second in October, we'll be um.. one fourth the way there, and thats probably where we'll always be! :lol:

Louis, glad you know where your tax returns are! I think I could tell you which room ours are in, but not with any degree of certainty! :roll:

Well, thank you all for the great welcomes :lol:

And yes, Louis, sometimes I feel like I could use a padded room.

I think it's cool how you all have pics of your kids as your avatar (they're all very cute, BTW!), however, I'm not sure if that would work for me... Pics of my kids, and my wife and myself are in the header of our webpage though.

[akcrewdog]

Hay Tim,
My Wife has family in SE VA. Ever heard of Clintwood, VA?

[kidswriter71]

Cool. Heard of it, but we were in SW VA.

I traveled to Winston-Salem quite a bit though. The company I worked for had a radio station there.

[akcrewdog]

Hay all,
Sorry I haven't beed on lately. I's been really busy around here. Hope everyone is doing OK.