the opportunity

[Anonymous]

My wife and I just spent the evening out for what I called "The Last Supper". We are expecting our first child within the next few days so this was our last time to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant as a couple for a while. At the dinner table my wife brought up the notion of me quitting my job and staying home with our son. My first reaction was "Sweet! No more fourteen hour work days, no more dealing with traffic, no more getting up at four in the morning to go to a job that I hate!" But, then it hit me do I really want to give up the lifestyle that we have grown accustomed to? I mean, yeah I hate my job but it pays pretty well and we couldn't have built our own house without it. Plus, what will her family think about it. I spent a lot of years going from one dead end job to another with bouts of unemployment between them. I have never really felt like I was looked upon as a successful bread-winner. So I know all the doubts and fears of leaving work to stay at home. What I need to hear, are the true benefits of doing this. How do you justify it and would you have decided any differently given the chance?

[tt3]

My justification is very simple. If I were working, 80-90% of my salary would go to daycare. I would be earning a dollar or two to let someone else raise my child.
With our second on the way, we'd be going into debt for me to work. Just didn't add up. Especially considering you wouldn't be the ones raising your kids.
No matter how good the daycare is, it cannot be as good as you staying with your kid, unless you plunk him/her in front of the tv all day...
My thoughts on the whole thing.

Congrats on your soon to be new arrival! Good luck with your decision.

[Don-Dad]

First off congratulations! THis is one of the most exciting and scary times of your life.

As for staying home, it was a no brainer. I think there was a big part of me that wanted to be around for my child (now 2) because my "real" father divorced my mom when I was 3 and I rarely ever saw him, even now, its been many years.

My wife made enough money that we knew we could afford it. If your wife can pay all the bills, then go for it.

Don't worry about what others think. You know you would be doing the right thing. I bet every dad that stays home by choice does not regret the decision.

Good luck!

And Tony, dang, how much is daycare in Minnesota, 80-90% seems a little high, even if you were making just over minimum wage.

[mjknapp]

The last supper....lol

We went out for the last supper to, but it was actually lunch, and we took our two yr old at the time who is now 3, but we went to Friday's, halfway through the dinner, she started having comntractions really bad, and we had to leave the restaurant, the waiter didnt beleive me till I told him we were leaving now, and if he didnt bring the check, that we were walking out, then he came back with this look of confusion on his face and asked me if I wanted him to call an ambulance, I started laughing and paid the dude and left.

Back to the subject. The biggest decision you really have to make is if you will have enough money to pay the bills and live the lifestyle you want. Your son/daughter wont care if you live in the house you built or the two bedroom apartment down the road, as long as you or your wife are there for him/her, it will be much more important to them in the long run than where you live.

I wish I could tell you that noone will say anything negative about you staying at home, but it is bound to happen, everyone on this board including myself has had that snide remark said to him about him not working, or him not doing anything all day. This is a tough job, physically, and even tougher emotionally. Someone is bound to say something, but it is up to you how to handle the situation.



"I have never really felt like I was looked upon as a successful bread-winner."

That is a good feeling, being the breadwinner of the family, the guy who makes the money, but I found a way to top that. When your son or daughter is learning to speak, and the first time you get to show off how you taught him/her the alphabet, that is such a feeling of accomplishment. That you taught that little person one of the basics of our vocabulary. It is such a rewarding feeling, and in my opinion much better than signing the back of that check and taking it to the bank.

The benefits of doing this is that you actually get to raise your child, through all of the developmental stages, watch him/her learn, grow, and adjust to life's surprises. I can't encourage you enough to stay home, as it was one of the best choices we have ever made, but it will get tough, long nights with a newborn, long days with a toddler. That is as far as my experiences have taken me, but it is very tough, and sometimes this board is all that saves me from going crazy.

There is alot of great fathers on this board that will help you along the way, ask us whatever you want, and join in on some advice you may have.

[tt3]

And Tony, dang, how much is daycare in Minnesota, 80-90% seems a little high, even if you were making just over minimum wage.

Well... I might have exaggerated a wee bit to get the point across. For an infant last I checked 2 yrs ago it was $740 a month. The job I got laid off from was paying me $10/hr. So it would have been 42% of my wage before taxes. But I got laid off, and finding another at or around that rate is tough up here.... for a toddler and an infant, I didn't even bother checking.

[SAHF]

Welcome Tobiasc5!

Congrats on the new comings! I bet you and your wife are excited!

You stated the obvious fears that we all here have felt one way or another. Now read all the PLUS'.

I raise my kids, not some daycare who has a never ending cycle of new employees.

My daughter is learning faster because it is a 1-1 ver. 1-10.

I learned that you need certain kinds of cookies to have a Princess Tea Party.

You learn those wonderful, life long songs....Barney's I Love You, Dora's Theme Song, etc...

And last but NOT least, I get to wake my kids up in the morning and see their little smiles and see those same smile when they head off to bed!

As you can see.....it is quite fun!

It will be one of the best decisions you will every make. Tell your wife for me....Congrats and way to go on her suggestion about you becoming a SAHD!!!!

[waldo]

For some, daycare is the only option, so I don't mean to belittle those who have, or will at some point put their kids in daycare. But let me point out a few things about the realities of daycare...

During the time your child is developing the bulk of his/her brain growth emotional strength, and behavoiral patterns WHO is it that is feeding this growth? What is the nutrient that supplies this virtual brain-food? It's not the daycare providers... It's the children at the daycare. The children are fed each other in a canibalistic sort of way. Yes the providers make sure no one jumps out of a window and tries their best to give the kids plenty of activities to do but the majority of their time is spent with dozens or more children who are being raised a dozen different ways, some of which is being done extremely poorly.

Now some people will argue "but this is how a child learns to socialize and get along with others" I'm not saying to lock your kids in the house their whole life, but let me use an analogy here... When planting a very young sapling you try to give it the best start possible. You might even tie twine on all 4 sides so that too much wind will not harm the tree. Would you climb the tree? Would you tie a rope to a limb and swing from it? No, because the tree cannot yet live life as an adult tree. It's roots need the chance to grow strong, it's branches time to fully form. It's not ready to be in the "real world".

By being a parent in your home with your child, YOU are the twine that keeps your child upright, YOU are the water that nurtures him. YOU are the one that will not allow weeds to interfere with their progress. Some day they will face all of these obstacles, but it will be a time when they are ready for them and strong enough for them.

Wow sorry to blab there, guess I had more on my mind today than I realized, hehe.

Oh yeah, and welcome :)

Waldo

[SAHF]

Very good point Waldo.

And if you are worried about the socialization portion of the development. Ask any of the SAHDs here. Play groups are great, a walk in the park or to your local library. YMCAs are great for group activities for little ones.

So there is nothing a daycare can provide that you can not but at a much higher quality. There is one thing a daycare is great for....a break for Mommy and Daddy for a couple of hours once a month or so.

[Remington]

Welcome and Congrats on the new baby coming.

Let's start this off by saying if I had to do it over again I would have tried to do this earlier. The benefits is not you making the money but it is measured differently.

I don't beleive in daycare as a norm for parents to use. It has become the lifestyle of children. I think daycares are fine for those that have extenuating circumstances and need assistance, but I don't think it should be the norm for kids to just go there like you go to school and then get a job.

One parent should be at home with the children. That is just part of having kids. I believe when you decide to have kids that it is just a priority. Most parents these days just put them in daycare so both parents can work. I feel there is no sense in having a child if you aren't going to raise them.

Why get a dog if you are just going to toss a chain on him and keep him holed up in your back yard and just shove food in front of his face.

Why get a car if you ain't gonna drive it.

"well... kids are different than animals and cars." And the answer is absolutely correct. Kids are more valuable so why have kids if you are only going to see them for an hour in the morning before work and then a few hours after work?

One person has to stay home. Then the decision comes down to who goes to work. I would say the most responsible decision would be the person that can get the best benefits and the higher wage combination for the family should be working.

:D

[floridamcmarion1]

I echo many of the reasons already mentioned that make this the best job I've ever had. It's also sometimes the most frustrating, but those moments pass and you do have more awesome moments than bad.

Financially, it just makes sense for me to be at home. I was making $10 an hour at my last full-time job. Preschool here costs around $600 to $800 per month depending on the age of the child. As soon as our 4 year old is adopted we will lose his free daycare subsidy from the state, so we would be paying about $1,400 per month in preschool charges. That is pretty close to what my take home was. My wife makes almost two and a half times what I was making, plus she has benefits that I could never get (such as being provided with a 4 bedroom house, all utilities paid, free local phone, and some others). I had to make the choice of whether to work so as to pay someone else to raise my kids, or to stay home and do it myself. I love being the primary caregiver, so it was an easy choice. I had also already given up on my chosen career plans when I married my wife 5 years ago. We were living on opposite ends of the country and one of us had to move. For the financial reasons already stated, I moved. We relocate about every 3 to 5 years for her work, so I would never get well established in a job anyway.

One of the biggest benefits is something I would never have if I was working out of the house. My wife had me set up the video camera so I could be ready when our newborn starts doing all those things a baby does such as crawling, walking, talking and anything else for the first time. She may get Memorex, but I'll be there live! I will get to experience all of those moments first hand, and will be vital to my children becoming the adults they are to be. It will be me making those important impressions on my kids, not some daycare worker who is overworked and underpaid.

It's not always easy. Actually, it seldom is, but the benefits are worth it. I'm busier now than I was when I had a full-time job, but I'm also much happier. Our family is much happier. We eat better, the house is cleaner, the kids are happier, and it was the right choice. I really do think that every home should have one parent who stays home. I don't care which one, but someone should. We owe it to our kids. I just happen to be the lucky one who gets to do it in my house.

[Anonymous]

Obviously this is probably the biggest decision any family has had to deal with. There are a lot of complex issues and money is usually at or close to the top of the list. And a couple of paragraphs ain't going to make it any easier, but...

You're a big boy. You know what you need to pay the bills (or, at least, you should). If either of you can cover expenses by yourself, then WHOMEVER decides to stay home has got to WANT to do it. If your heart's not into it, you're shortchanging yourself, your family, and your kid(s).

A little financial self-examination is very helpful. You have to be able to discern between what you NEED versus what you WANT. Forget about all the nice toys for yourself (buy the Corvette when you turn 50). Somethings are going to be put on hold for a while. I think they call them, um, sacrifices.

And one thought I had about men being raised thinking they have to be the bread-winners: Does that mean that men think the women are raised thinking that they will be taken care of, not have to work, or not capable of making enough money?

So anyway enough about the money.

There were lots of posts about daycare by others so you know what we think about daycare. My 2 cents - it is now "inappropriate" in NJ to give a crying child a hug or to sit them on your lap. Don't know if a stranger hugging my kid a hug really appeals to me, but if it's an honest hug, it can't be all that bad. I guess the pillow fights and tickling are just not going to happen at daycare either. And I haven't had any reports of a tea party breaking out either.

So, if the thought of knowing some one who truly loves your kid will be watching him/her appeals to you, then do it.

If you want to be there for the first flip, the first step, the first smile, etc. instead of reading about it on junior's progress report, then do it.

If the prospect of knowing everything about your kid appeals to you, then do it.

If you don't mind a spontaneous tickling session, hugs and kisses, or a tea-party breaking out on your living room floor, then do it. (I have a girl - add little boy stuff here if you're having a boy).

I won't mislead you (I'm not the sales-type), you're gonna get dirty.

Good luck with YOUR decision!

[jeffus]

Sorry, that last one was me! Forgot to log on...

[Jackson's Dad]

My first reaction was "Sweet! No more fourteen hour work days, no more dealing with traffic, no more getting up at four in the morning to go to a job that I hate!"

True. But you'll be trading all that in for 20+ hour days, getting up at midnight, 2am, 4am, 6am. Dealing not with traffic but with diapers and formula and colick, etc. :) Don't imagine this will be easier! This will be the hardest, most physically and emotionally draining job you will ever have. But in the end, you are helping someone become a person... helping your son become a man, or your daughter become a woman. No regular job gives you such a sense of accomplishment or purpose.

Dan

[benj]

What I need to hear, are the true benefits of doing this. How do you justify it

You need not 'justify' to anyone, especially your demons of doubt...

What 'benefits' did you receive in having a primary parent raise you?...

This is no longer about you, 'Dad'; (go ahead and say it out loud, it will feel good, 'Dad.')... It's about them... our kids.

They are now the center of your new universe..ENJOY, cause they will.

[SAHF]

:partyman:

Welcome back Benj, long time!

[benj]

Thanks ToD...(The other Don)...I missed you blokes...tragic eh?

Something addictive about this site?...

'My name is Benj...and I'm a Dadstayshomaholic.'

[tt3]

all together "welcome back, benj"

:lol: :lol:

[benj]

'Thank you,..Thank you very much...' Benj has left the building.

[Remington]

"welcome back" :lol: :lol:

We hope you stay longer this time... :wink: