What To Do?

[SAHF]

Hello all!

Well as some of you know, my MIL is dieing of cancer and my wife has been visiting her for the past 1.5 weeks. She got back yesterday (of course, AFTER the 3rd hurricane) and she made a statement that blew me out of bed!

She looked at me and said, "I want to move home". :-s I asked her why, was it because of your mother? She stated no, it was because she misses having family around and relatives close to help when we need it.

I asked her how can we do this without jobs. Her response was, sell our house (we would make a nice profit from it) move back and buy my mom and dad's house. They would give us a mortgage at 1%.

I stated the obvious about the house, ours is A LOT larger and their's is a LOT smaller. Wife said she knows and her parents said that they would pay for half of an addition that will add 2 more rooms onto the house, thus adding the space we would lose.

Again, I stated we have no jobs lined up. If either of us had a job, then maybe. My wife again said, "we can do it, we are not lazy people". How true that is.

My wife does seem serious about this and I have my doubts. No doubt we would find some kind of job, but doubts on finding a job that we would be satisfied with. The support struction of having a lot of family around would be nice. And hell, the money we would make from the sale of our house would put our new mortgage at around $400 a month and we could TECHNICALLY live off of the rest of the money for at least a year.

I do not know what to do. On one hand, do I support my wife and follow her wishes. This will allow my children to be able to see their cousins, aunts, and uncles. And have a white Christmas for once.

Or do I say no, this is our home. We have friends and good relationships with the neighbors. And a job that she once loved about 1.5 weeks ago. Is she willing to give that up?

:?: :?: :?: :?:

As of 1A this morning we were still talking about it. Any thoughts or input from you guys would go a long way!

Side note:

She did follow me for almost 5 years when I was in the Air Force (10 years, 22 days I was not counting or anything). The move to MS, Japan, and LA. We came to Florida for her job after I got out of the military and we have been here for about 8 years now.

[Weston]

wow, sorry to hear that

not knowing all the details, i'm wondering if her reason for wanting to move does have a lot to do with it

i guess the most important thing is that the move benefits the whole family

hope everything works out

[waldo]

SAFH, I have just went through a situation similair to yours. Although my wife did have a job in the new town (near family) we could not sell our house. So we paid 2 house payments for quite a while and it was very very financially stressful. That said, we do not regret it in the least. My kids now get to see both sets of grandparents, their cousins, and lots and lots of great aunts/cousins.

The most important thing we learned is that we could do without just about anything but each other. Love each other well, be patient with each other and it will all work out.



Waldo

[benj]

SAHF, I never make an important decision
before giving the problem a chance to go away.

With that in mind I think Louis had an excellent idea…
Let six months of time clear her spinning head and heavy heart…
In this case time is your friend…

Being a military brat, I think too, that you are honest and right to admit that
it is now your ‘tour of duty’ as home support partner, yet isn’t that part of being married…support?

Furthermore, as a kid, some of my best memories are when my dad was stationed TDY overseas for two years. For me, my sister and mum moved back home to where all my relos lived. I give credit to such a happy childhood due to being surrounded by so many people that loved me.

I agree with J monk about ‘benefit the whole family.’ The needs of the many out weight the needs of the few (of course a wife’s vote always counts as two)…

Before we became parents I tried to talk my wife into moving north to tropical Queensland up near the Great Barrier Reef. Like you, we could have sold our house in Sydney and bought a house twice the size for half the money. I really wanted to leave the Big Smoke for a laid-back lifestyle.
All of my wife’s relos live here in Sydney.

Well I’m so glad we stayed in Sydney…mainly because my son not only has three cousins, all of close age, to play with every weekend, but also aunties, uncles and g'parents who all love and spoil him. Family Barbies are a regular and babysitters are always available.

Being ex-military I understand how you have learned to become independent of your outer family ties; however, women, being the superior species, want and need to be close to their family.

Sorry for such a long post…
I’ve been reading too many replies from Jeffus :wink:

G'Luck

[Don-Dad]

SAHF,

About 4 years ago my wife was having similar feelings. We wanted to move out of Georgia and kept talking about heading back north, DC, maybe Maryland, closer to family. I had some good friends in GA, my brother even followed me down and still lives there.

After my Son was born I could tell my wife was getting a bit "homesick" and missed her mommy. So we flew up, for a few days, scoped out Rochester and Syracuse, NY, she set up interviews and was offered a job. I told her I could really care less where we live as I had just quite my job to be home with our son and could do that anywhere. I did some freelance work and since it was web design, I too could do that anywhere.

YOU can raise your kids anywhere. You will make new friends and probably find some old ones you may have lost touch with. Worse thing that happens is you find out you don't like it and move back :D

Great thing about the Net is she can do tons of job hunting and set up interviews before even getting into town. Get real familar with monster.com and hotjobs.com :)

[hockeydad]

yikes sahf that must have been one whopper of a conversation. I agree with those who say hold off a bit. it sounds like she is in the midst of an emotionally tough time and who can blame her. but those are always the toughest times to make big decisions.
it would be awfully hard no matter what she said for anyone to separate her emotions about distance from family from feelings about her mom. not to mention all those hurricanes can't be making Florida too appealing right now. see what a little time will do.
-hockeydad

[mjknapp]

Dude, I would just hold off a bit, if she is anything like my wife, she makes split decisions that she hasnt thought all the way through. Tell her that you would like to wait a little longer to make sure that this is the right decision for both of you, if it was me, I wouldnt do it, I would like to get as far away from my wife's family as possible.

[Jackson's Dad]

Whatever you do, don't say "no we can't". That is just asking for a fight. Make sure you keep it a discussion between the two of you. Remind her that she's had a week already to think about it (and obviously discuss it with her folks), so please be patient while you get up to speed.

I agree that she's probably going through some stressful stuff. And that waiting wouldn't hurt. Although, it doesn't sound like you are that against it! How does her parent's town compare to yours? That's a big decision point I think -- will it be easy for her to find a job? are the schools as good or better? Etc.

When we got pregnant, we decided to move to my wife's hometown in northern NJ. We were living far away from any of our parents, and with having a new baby, we decided that we wanted to be closer. We decided to move near my wife's family in New Jersey, for a number of reasons. First, my family is more scattered about the country, while hers is all in one area. Second, my parents are a 5 hour car ride from our new home, so it's much better than the 5-hour plane ride. Third, we could sell our San Francisco bungalow, and for $100K less, get a house that was many times larger. Also, there are tons of jobs around here (we are an hour outside of NYC), good schools, etc.

While I miss our old stomping grounds, I am starting to love our new home. But I think it's because this area has so many good things going for it. It was definitely a trade up all around. And having the family close by is a godsend! Can't imagine not having it.

I guess I am just saying, make sure you both talk and prioritize all the pros and cons of a move, and see how it all comes out.

[Remington]

Great advice guys!

All situations are different but there are a few things to remember.

1) Family comes first (after dadstayshome.com) - I mean if this means you aren't posting anymore then it is a bad decision... :lol:

2) After her mother dies.... then what?? I mean how long do they give her? Is this something that is imminent? If so, maybe not moving back is the answer but maybe taking time off from work and sending her to her mom's momentarily.

3) Never make a decision based off of emotion until it has been thought about.

4) Family comes first

5) Family comes first

6) If it were me though I would probably move back. What if it was your mom or dad? It is a sad time in her life and you don't want to be the one holding her back.

7) Just get her through this and ride the waves as they come. Hold on tight and don't let go of the raft...

8) Just having each other is important and getting through this as a family will only make you stronger...

[SAHF]

1) Family comes first (after dadstayshome.com) - I mean if this means you aren't posting anymore then it is a bad decision... :lol:

:lol:

2) After her mother dies.... then what?? I mean how long do they give her? Is this something that is imminent? If so, maybe not moving back is the answer but maybe taking time off from work and sending her to her mom's momentarily.

The Dr. gave her 3-6 months to live, but they figuring best case is 2 more months. As for the sending her back...she was just there a week and a half thinking it was over.

6) If it were me though I would probably move back. What if it was your mom or dad? It is a sad time in her life and you don't want to be the one holding her back.

If it was my mom or dad, well...I would stay put. Being the x-military man and x-Army brat, I would just stick it out and take care of my wife and kids.

Now the wife on the other hand. Her family has been closenit all their lives and have NEVER been in the "military" life. Where you pickup and move at a drop of a hat and put down no ties. So for her, I would move if she wishes.

------------------------------

Thank you one and all for your advice! I used some of it and it seem to work. She is thinking more clearly. My wife has just signed up for another class and wants to at least finish up her cert in Financial Planner. That will take about 1 year.

I ensured her that at 6 months, we will revisit this again and see how her feelings about moving back home are. She agreed and so did her dad!

Again, thank you all!

SAHDs rule!

[Weston]

WOW!

This forum isn't just about beer and boobs

It actually helped someone make a decision

[floridamcmarion1]

Your wife has done exactly what I was going to suggest (sort of). The general rule of thumb they tell new widows or widowers is that you should not make any major decisions for one year. I think the same advice would be good in your situation. If a year after her mom dies your wife still feels a strong need to move, then it should be seriously considered. However, under the current circumstances, you should probably hold off unless there are extenuating circumstances. Obviously if her dad were to really need your help either now or following his wife's death, then it would be worth moving now.

I think there is a strong possibility that your wife is feeling the loss of her mother and realizing how fragile life is. She is understanding that she could lose any member of her family at any time, and that scares her because she doesn't get to see them very much. It's normal to want to pull together when there is a tragedy such as this.

If you give it a year and she still wants to go, then it is really worth considering. Knowing the way of real estate in Florida, your home value will only go up between now and then. Depending on where you are moving up north you could probably get a really nice house just with the equity you have in your current house. And if you bought your parent's house and remodeled then you said you would still have a fair amount left over, so it sounds like finances are not really a concern here.

Sometimes it is worth it to drop everything and move for family. When I met my wife I was in Oregon and she was in Florida. I moved to Florida without aprehension because I loved her and it was the right thing to do for the new family we were creating. I do really miss the family, friends and life I had in Oregon, but I don't regret doing what I needed to do for my new family.

Depending on your beliefs I would say that you should pray about it. Part of what made my move easier was knowing that it was what I was being called to do, despite how drastic of a change it was. Regardless, do what you believe is the right thing for your family unit. If it's right for your family as a whole, then it will be the right thing for you personally.