How to handle flack from my family????

[EX Race Driver]

My Father, My Uncles and I go to the N.C. coast every year for a week fishing. We usually have a blast the whole week, but this year I know I am going to catch alot of flack about my decision to be a SAHD. It has already started a little. Every other person in the group likes to talk about the trip for two months before we go, therefore alot of phone calls go back and forth. Since the first time I was invited I have been a big part of the planning and this year I feel I have been kind of isolated. This year almost the whole trip has been planned with me only getting a call or two from my Dad, and noone else.

My Dad and I talked the other night about this and he told me that he and my uncles were really upset with me about this decision. I have always looked up to my uncles and it bothers me pretty bad that they feel this way. I know I am doing the best for my son but it still bothers me.

I guess my question is, How am I going to handle all the flack I am going to catch for the week? I don't want to get defensive about it and make anyone mad and I have tried to explain the situation to my Dad, but he doesn't seem to understand.

This group is full of "macho men". My father is part owner of a major concrete company in the Charlotte area and a deisel mechanic. Two of my uncles are truck drivers and the other uncle is retired from a major airline. Two of them do the hunting thing all they can.

They all have the midset that the man is the one that is supposed to "bread winner" in the family. They all came from being dirt poor in a family with an abusive alchoholic father in southern West Virginia. Pretty much the same as I did with the difference being I grew up in N.C. .

I am happy our decision for me to be a SAHD. I just wish these "macho men" would open their minds enough to understand our decision.

Did ya'll run into anything similar and if so how did/do you handle it??? :?:

[Weston]

Hey ex racer

I live in North Carolina as well. We live just west of Hillsbourough and my wife works in RTP.

I quit my job about 2 months ago. I did electrical work for 8 years for a contractor in the RTP area. It was never really my "thing" and I knew the whole time that I was doing it just for a paycheck. So my wife and I had made the decision early that I was going to stay at home after our first child. It only made sense that I would be the one to do it - My wife makes a lot more money and has better benefits. Plus she's good at what she does and enjoys it.

When I told everyone at work that I was quiting to stay at home, I think most thought I was joking at first. Then when they realized I was serious most were shocked. Speaking of "macho men", working in any kind of trade you run into a lot of them, so I became use to this attitude along time ago. I've learned to counter this attitude with a mindset of "I don't give a F what you think!". Maybe this isn't the best response to have but when you do something so different in a society that doesn't always approve,you almost have to.

Having said that, I think that after a while everyone accepted my decision and realized I wasn't doing it just to be "lazy". Most of my family and wife's family seem to support what I'm doing, although some of the men don't mention it much.

It sounds like your situation is a little more extreme though. I guess I'd have to stick with the "F you" method. :twisted: :D

[EX Race Driver]

Talking about the job thing... I did catch alot of crap from the local racing community when I would tell one of my fellow racers that I was "retiring" from driving to be a SAHD... Alot of people quit buying parts from me and as a result I had to totally close the business I had selling parts and supplies to local racers. I had a few big accounts being so close to Mooresville but it was the little guy I made the real money off of. They don't expect a break on price since they arent spending "alot" of money with you.

It really surprised me that pretty much the whole racing community shunned me because of a decision to raise my kid... It really let me know who my friends were...and are.

[SAHF]

First off, welcome!

Now onward! Macho, Macho Man...I want to be a Macho man!

I am like J...I too do not give an F what anyone thinks BUT I do like to put them in their place! You mentioned to us that your dad and uncle grew up with a father that was an alchoholic and you as well.

Just sit your dad down and mention this too him. Do you have to be a TOUGH GUY to be a hunter? No. Do you have to be a MANLY MAN to be a mechanic? No. Does being an alchoholic make you a MACHO man (no offense to my SAHDs that do a little nip)? No. But it does make you one thing for sure.......not a very good father for your children.

Stick to your guys and look at it this way, you are a solid person that is giving your little one a HUGE push in life that most of us NEVER got and probably wish we did. You are making a great impact on your family and you have the support of your wife. The rest is just B S! No need to bring negatives into your life.

As you read the posts, you will see..we have a HUGE diverse group of guys from all walks of life. And if we all ever got together, put our minds to it, we would make one hell of a company and make lots of cash!

Good luck on your trip and remember, let anything they say (that is neg) roll off your back like water off a ducks back!

[Weston]

I've made a point to try to stay in touch with the people I worked with who did accept my decision.

Last week I took Alex (my boy is also named Alex) with me and met some of the guys from work for lunch. I'm going to tell you, you get a lot of looks from people when your sitting at a table full of fellow rednecks while bottle feeding your baby. A little surreal!

[jeffus]

ExRacer, I posted this a little while ago in the 'Papers on Dads Forum'. Some applies to your question...My ending comments are a little different than your situation.

Um, as far as feeling oppressed by what others think of me...I'm laying on the couch now:

It all started with my mother right after we bought our daughter home. Pretty Freudian, eh? After 9 months expecting, going through all the stress of birth, reading everything on kids, labor, etc, and telling everyone that I was going to stay home with the kid - she of all people turns to me and says, "Are you sure you want to do this with your life?". I said, "What?".

Before that, I was so excited (read scared-as-hell) about the prospect of SAHD'ing. To have her, of all people, question my/our decision in such a manner was very surprising and somewhat hurtful. I guess I expected unwavering support from my family. This would be one of those 'defining moments' in my life. I knew this Daddy thing was going to be tough. I kind of liked the idea of going against the grain - Dad stays home, mom goes to work. I didn't expect to get blindsided by mom. What, her #1 son, previous pride & joy wasn't good enough to take care of her only grand-daughter? Was that engineering degree (that mom & dad paid for) going on the shelf never to be seen again? I still don't know where that remark came from but it enfuriated me.

This was my first inkling that I had to change my perspective. Meet-ups with other mommies & their babies soon re-inforced that. I expected acceptance whereas I received none. I soon found myself and my daughter ostracized. I was astounded by the lack of support from my mother and society in general (read - other moms, no changing stations, nasty looks).

With this new revelation, I found the best approach was to lower my expectations of society and family. Increase my own sense of self-worth and relevance. Self reliance was called for. This was going to a long, tough climb and I had to ignore the judges and do my personal best.

So that's where I am today. After the tough climb, it is spectacular, sweet revenge watching all the mommies who shunned me & my daughter thus far, squirming in their seats as my daughter consistently outshines their kids performance in every arena - social, physical, mental, vocal. And the real thrill is that I didn't push her at all, she's not over-scheduled, and the two of us have had nothing but fun so far.

In an interesting side note - all of the men in my life: friends, family, colleaques have expressed nothing but support for me. Even my most-grisled uncle said he respected my decision. Dad never said a word about SAHD'ing. I think he was just plain thrilled about a granddaughter and she loves grandpa. And I guess I'm just a little proud that I picked good friends.

[jeffus]

The only other advice I can offer:

Did you actually snap off your Johnson after your kid was born? Start hormone therapy for the sex change? I'm guessing NO! Last time you checked, I guessing, you are still a man. One that sounds like he's taking care of his family. What's a better measure of a man? Sounds like the money thing is taken care of, you got a roof and food, and your kid is loved.

While fishing with these Macho Men, your prospects of catching the biggest fish won't fall off because you're home with the kid. Trust me, the fish doesn't know the difference. But, I hope you catch the biggest one (since size seems to matter to these guys).

Don't pin your hopes on the expectations or approval of others. You will be disappointed each and every time. Do what's best for you, your kid, and your family.

And the 'bread-winner' thing - I look at it this way: What's 5 years? Kid will be in school in 5 years and you can go back to work and kiss someone's ass all day long. And you can proudly(?!) call yourself a breadwinner again. Who knows you might get some overtime out of it!

Or you can really piss all them off and start something like a Chucky-Cheese or Gymboree or any other business related to kids, make more money than they ever saw in their lifetimes and have the last laugh. Make some lemonade!

[hockeydad]

dang remind me never to complain about taking flack again. I mean I get a little ribbing and some funny looks but nothing like you have to deal with. I've always kind of flown my own flight plan so to speak and have done some pretty different things over the years. after a while family and friends just kind of expect the unexpected.

family is family even if their acting like wienies. but if their not going to accept your decision basically you have to ignore their opinion on that subject.

you could always not go this year. if it isn't going to be fun or the decision is still too new for your skin to be thickened yet, stay home. go next year. or tell them the subject is off limits.

oh and I don't recommend singing the macho man song or anything else by the Village People around them. might be tough to explain :)

[benj]

Racer, be sahd-proud and have some fun with it, Mate. Just tell those mental midgets that you're actually gay and want to come out of the closet on this fishing trip. Ask them if they would support your decision and that they have nothing to fear because, although you find them cute, they are not your type.
After they pull themselves back into the boat, smile and say, Just kidding. It'll make being a sahd a whole lot easier for them to swallow. (Um, bad choice of words):wink:

Give a sahd a fish and feed him for a day…
Teach a sahd to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink home brew all day.

Two truck drivers from NC (that just happen to be uncles) go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. 1st truck driver: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish. 2nd truck driver: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot. 1st truck driver: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

Enjoy your fishing trip and give as good as you get!

[SAHF]

:lol:

[EX Race Driver]

I am going to try this for the third time. AOHell has booted me twice right before i hit the "post reply" button.

Benj you are too funny. I was seeting here reading and laughing out loud all the while my 8 month old is looking at me like "Daddy have you lost your mind?".

I think not going this year would just fuel the fire that much more therefore I am going to go and just deal with the crap. You guys have helped me so much on this. I think you have given me some pretty good ammo.

Last night I challenged my Dad to do what I do for one week. I even told him I would loan him Alex for the experiment. He would be ready to quit after the first day. He even said he didn't think he would be able to handle it.

Thanks ALOT guys!!! This site has helped so much since I found it.

[Home w/Kids & Dogs]

I too am part of an extended family of Uncles and cousins who enjoy "Real Man" activities. Hunting, Fishing, Poker, Powerboating, etc. When we get together collectively I do bear the brunt of ribbing about being a "Nanny" and wearing an apron{Which I never have needed to}, being a "Kept Man". I try and shrug it off and tell a story about the Hot Moms at Story Time or how nice it is to watch all the games during March Madness.

When I get them one-on-one they almost all have confessed to a little envy in being able to spend so much time with the kids. Some of my Uncles who are in their 60s and 70s even seem in awe that I somehow tricked my wife into working and being able to stay home. They can't believe she would willingly choose to work full time. I always say that is why she went to school for 5 years.

I know I will always hear some cracks from the Guys. I also know they secretly wish they had the same opportunity when they were young Dads. I take satisfaction in the fact that my wife and I are doing what is best for the kids.

[aaronlc1]

I know how that feels, my biggest problem is that I have been doing this for three years now, and people still go to the mother for a question about hte kids. I am the one that feeds them, dresses them and everything but they ask her for advice. She always sends them back to me which they are still reluctent to aks me. And it is also funny how much I seem to know more about children then most other mothers I meet, they must assume that it is natural cause they are a woman and all.