benj
10-22-2004, 05:07 AM
2. How to use the ‘stand and think’ and ‘dealing’ method.
1. Preparation. Ask yourself, ‘What’s wrong here? What do I want them to do to fix it?’ In other words, have a clear goal before you start.
2. Learning to stand and think is a skill in itself. With a young toddler, it is enough to take them to ‘the spot’ you have decided on, and then stand back a little. Tell them, ‘You have to stay there until you are ready to agree. You can come out when you’ve calmed down,’ or if you are holding them, ‘I’ll let you go when you calm down.’ At this age, as soon as they show signs of relenting, or mumble a few words of apology, let them out. Make it easy for them to get it right. For example, if they are throwing a toy at the wall and you want them to put it in the box, bring the box close.
3. As children get older (two or three plus), the conversation they have with you gets more important. Remember, they have to convince you that things are going to be different. They have to ‘talk their way out’ and convince you they can act differently. Another good name for this is ‘dealing.’ They are learning to ‘deal.’ Tell them their task- ‘Stand and think about what you did to get into this trouble. As soon as you’ve figured it out, I’ll come and we’ll talk about it.’
4. The dealing conversation. Ask them:
a) ‘What did you do?’ Owning up to one’s actions is important.
b) ‘What were you feeling or needing?
c) ‘What should you have done to meet those needs? Do they now a better way? Have you discussed this before? Perhaps you will need to ‘teach’ them. For example, I use a timer to share a toy.
d) ‘What are you going to do in the future? Getting a commitment.
5. Aim for a happy ending. The beauty of ‘dealing’ properly like this is that the issue is resolved. You invest some time right now, and the problem need never recur (well, maybe once or twice). You’ll know that this was successful because you end up feeling better, and your child feels better. Everyone is redeemed.
Once discipline is understood properly there is no need to hurt, shame or fear.
Firm love methods are respectful of children, are non-violent, and yet clearly place the parents in charge.
1. Preparation. Ask yourself, ‘What’s wrong here? What do I want them to do to fix it?’ In other words, have a clear goal before you start.
2. Learning to stand and think is a skill in itself. With a young toddler, it is enough to take them to ‘the spot’ you have decided on, and then stand back a little. Tell them, ‘You have to stay there until you are ready to agree. You can come out when you’ve calmed down,’ or if you are holding them, ‘I’ll let you go when you calm down.’ At this age, as soon as they show signs of relenting, or mumble a few words of apology, let them out. Make it easy for them to get it right. For example, if they are throwing a toy at the wall and you want them to put it in the box, bring the box close.
3. As children get older (two or three plus), the conversation they have with you gets more important. Remember, they have to convince you that things are going to be different. They have to ‘talk their way out’ and convince you they can act differently. Another good name for this is ‘dealing.’ They are learning to ‘deal.’ Tell them their task- ‘Stand and think about what you did to get into this trouble. As soon as you’ve figured it out, I’ll come and we’ll talk about it.’
4. The dealing conversation. Ask them:
a) ‘What did you do?’ Owning up to one’s actions is important.
b) ‘What were you feeling or needing?
c) ‘What should you have done to meet those needs? Do they now a better way? Have you discussed this before? Perhaps you will need to ‘teach’ them. For example, I use a timer to share a toy.
d) ‘What are you going to do in the future? Getting a commitment.
5. Aim for a happy ending. The beauty of ‘dealing’ properly like this is that the issue is resolved. You invest some time right now, and the problem need never recur (well, maybe once or twice). You’ll know that this was successful because you end up feeling better, and your child feels better. Everyone is redeemed.
Once discipline is understood properly there is no need to hurt, shame or fear.
Firm love methods are respectful of children, are non-violent, and yet clearly place the parents in charge.