benj
10-22-2004, 05:09 AM
1. A ‘Stand and Think’ and ‘Dealing’ Story
‘Little Tara Meets Her Match.’
Twenty-two month old Tara is playing with the power cords at the back of the stereo. She isn’t doing this quietly or sneakily- she is in full view of Mum and Dad TT who are deep in conversation about brewing.
‘Tara, hands off those power points,’ calls out Mum. Come away and play with your toys. (The diversion). [Nice trick Mrs. TT]
Tara fails to budge. Dad stands up and strides over to her.
‘Tara, hands off the power points. Come over here,’ he says darting his brows.
Tara rolls her baby blues up at Daddy T. She pulls a smile from the corner of her cute little mouth and gives him ‘that look.’ That famous look that says, ‘What are you going to do about it?’
Daddy T gives it one more try. Digging deep for his trusty old ‘dog voice,’ he barks out, ‘Tara, come away from the power points!’ Empty home brew bottles rattle in the next room. Tara turns back to rewiring the stereo, muttering, ‘No, no, no,’ under her breath.
Up until now, for arguments sake, TT, Tara has never done anything this naughty. She has always been able to be ‘diverted’ or ‘negotiated’ away from trouble. Today, though, is her first real discipline experience. She is inviting you to struggle with her because this is what she needs.
It’s time for action (cue waiting trumpets in the wings). TT moves in briskly, grabs Tara around the waist from behind with both hands, lifts her clear and takes her to the other side of the room where there is a free corner (sorry, forgot to mention every lounge room should have a free corner, see notes).
Tara does not welcome this attention. She screams, yells, hits out and flails (which is why DaddyTT is holding her from behind!) Daddy T continues to hold her firmly, safely and in his normal voice he tells her, ‘When you are ready to calm down, you can come out.’
Tara goes through many ‘moves’ that may be familiar to you-spitting, trying to bite, attempting to vomit her dinner up. (My son morphed into a Tassie Devil his first time). She’ll call you names and so on. Tara has never been smacked and therefore is not at all afraid. In fact she is furious. Her eyes could melt lead. How dare anyone interfere with her impulse! Tara looks to her mum who is standing back across the room.
‘Momma, helpa me!’
Momma T pads across the floor and helps TT to hold Tara. Mum repeats what Daddy T has been telling her in calm, reassuring tone.
‘You must stay away from power cords Tara.’
After what seems like enough time to brew a beer, but is actually about one minute, Tara stops fighting and quietens down. Daddy T has been saying to her softly the whole time, ‘When you are ready to calm down, you can come out.’
Daddy T now asks Tara straight out, ‘Now, are you going to stay away from the power point?’
‘Yeth!’ she says in an indignant voice.
Both parents stand back. ‘Good girl,’ they say, and watch to see what she will do. Tara casts a hard stare at the power points. She glances up at her parents. Then she looks at her toys on the other side of the room. Finally, she heads over to the toys.
Mum and Dad TT exhale a stale breath of ale and give a big sigh of relief and sit back down. (Don’t worry; next time will be a lot easier). In the weeks that follow, Tara will try ‘poking in the power cords’ once more, and stop when spoken to.
Tara will be in and out of the ‘thinking spot’ many times before she is five years old- for all kinds of reasons. (My son visited ‘the stand and think’ spot at least six times a day when we first started him out at around twenty months. Now at five years old, he may visit it briefly, less than thirty seconds, once a week if even that).
By age two and a half, Tara will usually go there when told to, and stand quietly and think over what she needs to learn. By five, Tara will have learned to think, consider her actions, to account for the feelings of others, and still be a happy, spontaneous and easy going child.
Like Tara, we have to crawl before we can walk. In the beginning stand and think shouldn’t be about big change, but about getting the technique right. This method takes time, patience and practice.
‘Little Tara Meets Her Match.’
Twenty-two month old Tara is playing with the power cords at the back of the stereo. She isn’t doing this quietly or sneakily- she is in full view of Mum and Dad TT who are deep in conversation about brewing.
‘Tara, hands off those power points,’ calls out Mum. Come away and play with your toys. (The diversion). [Nice trick Mrs. TT]
Tara fails to budge. Dad stands up and strides over to her.
‘Tara, hands off the power points. Come over here,’ he says darting his brows.
Tara rolls her baby blues up at Daddy T. She pulls a smile from the corner of her cute little mouth and gives him ‘that look.’ That famous look that says, ‘What are you going to do about it?’
Daddy T gives it one more try. Digging deep for his trusty old ‘dog voice,’ he barks out, ‘Tara, come away from the power points!’ Empty home brew bottles rattle in the next room. Tara turns back to rewiring the stereo, muttering, ‘No, no, no,’ under her breath.
Up until now, for arguments sake, TT, Tara has never done anything this naughty. She has always been able to be ‘diverted’ or ‘negotiated’ away from trouble. Today, though, is her first real discipline experience. She is inviting you to struggle with her because this is what she needs.
It’s time for action (cue waiting trumpets in the wings). TT moves in briskly, grabs Tara around the waist from behind with both hands, lifts her clear and takes her to the other side of the room where there is a free corner (sorry, forgot to mention every lounge room should have a free corner, see notes).
Tara does not welcome this attention. She screams, yells, hits out and flails (which is why DaddyTT is holding her from behind!) Daddy T continues to hold her firmly, safely and in his normal voice he tells her, ‘When you are ready to calm down, you can come out.’
Tara goes through many ‘moves’ that may be familiar to you-spitting, trying to bite, attempting to vomit her dinner up. (My son morphed into a Tassie Devil his first time). She’ll call you names and so on. Tara has never been smacked and therefore is not at all afraid. In fact she is furious. Her eyes could melt lead. How dare anyone interfere with her impulse! Tara looks to her mum who is standing back across the room.
‘Momma, helpa me!’
Momma T pads across the floor and helps TT to hold Tara. Mum repeats what Daddy T has been telling her in calm, reassuring tone.
‘You must stay away from power cords Tara.’
After what seems like enough time to brew a beer, but is actually about one minute, Tara stops fighting and quietens down. Daddy T has been saying to her softly the whole time, ‘When you are ready to calm down, you can come out.’
Daddy T now asks Tara straight out, ‘Now, are you going to stay away from the power point?’
‘Yeth!’ she says in an indignant voice.
Both parents stand back. ‘Good girl,’ they say, and watch to see what she will do. Tara casts a hard stare at the power points. She glances up at her parents. Then she looks at her toys on the other side of the room. Finally, she heads over to the toys.
Mum and Dad TT exhale a stale breath of ale and give a big sigh of relief and sit back down. (Don’t worry; next time will be a lot easier). In the weeks that follow, Tara will try ‘poking in the power cords’ once more, and stop when spoken to.
Tara will be in and out of the ‘thinking spot’ many times before she is five years old- for all kinds of reasons. (My son visited ‘the stand and think’ spot at least six times a day when we first started him out at around twenty months. Now at five years old, he may visit it briefly, less than thirty seconds, once a week if even that).
By age two and a half, Tara will usually go there when told to, and stand quietly and think over what she needs to learn. By five, Tara will have learned to think, consider her actions, to account for the feelings of others, and still be a happy, spontaneous and easy going child.
Like Tara, we have to crawl before we can walk. In the beginning stand and think shouldn’t be about big change, but about getting the technique right. This method takes time, patience and practice.