school project

[student]

hi my name is Alison
I am doing a project studying societal changes, and i have decided to study stay at home dad's. I was wondering if any of you had any insights. Have you felt that society has accepted or incouraged this change. What is your favorite things about being a stay at home dad.
Thank you for your input.

[dad305]

Hi Alison, I've been a SAHD for our two children, who are now 6 and 2.

The decision of who would stay at home was based on a number of factors:

a.- Do we want someone other than one of us to care for our baby
b.- Which job offers the least stability and less attractive insurance
c.- Once we determined -b- we compared the impact of that income vs the expenses that we would incurre with child care and the normal expenses associated with the job, transportation and dry cleaning.
d.- Finally, were we ready to sacrifice some disposable income in order to ensure a stress free and more family oriented environment to our children.

My wife and I come from families with traditional value systems. I do not like to stereotype but being of Hispanic origin, I could only speculate that this was not easy to understand to some of our friends and family members, particularly those who share our provenance. If this was the case, it was never demonstrated this to me or my wife.

A couple of our friends are the type that would never accept this type of arrangement so I could understand some struggle in trying to comprehend our decision.

The only expressions of disagreement were always posed in a sort of complementary way: "I admire what you are doing, I dont think I could". I really think that unwillingly we exposed them to a different perspective and an alternative to their hectic lifestyle. However, they still would not accept assuming any role other than "provider".

To summarize Alison, overall I have received nothing but positive comments even by those who "couldn't do it" and support from both families. By now it is clear to everyone that the impact that these few years have had in the formation of our children is undoubtably positive and this is very rewarding.

Did it take sacrifice and a re-arrenging of our budget? Yes, when you live in Miami, the total annual income is 38K (our income has improved considerably since), there is a mortgage and cars to pay and a little one to take care of, some serious budgeting is required. But it was worth every minute.

Would we do it again? Absolutely! Would we recommended to those as fortunate as we were to be able to do it? Absolutely!

I thank you for your interest in us SAHDs and I hope my modest contribution can be of use to you. Feel free to ask any other questions...now I got a go there is a 2 year old who needs help finding his "sippy cup".
:wink:

[hockeydad]

Allison I got to say if you just cut an paste the above replies from Louis and Dad305 onto a blank page, you'd have yourself a big old A on this paper. Quality stuff. I don't have too much too add, our choice was made under very similar circumstances for very similar reasons. I will say it is nice to hear that there is another SAHD family out there that gets by with mid 30K income. I was beginning to think I was the only one whose 'K' felt more like a 'k'.

As far as what is my favorite thing about being a SAHD. That's tough. Our child is real young and not an easy baby. So there are definitely some tough times being the only one home during the day. What I'd say is the best though is her smile. When she smiles it is one of the most beautiful, funny, and just downright happy things I've ever seen. No kidding. She like many babies is a bundle of extremes. So there are a lot of screams but also a lot of full-out smiles. If I wasn't home with her, I'd miss so many. And that would be sad.

[jeffus]

I, for one, never seemed to enjoy society's support for being a SAHD. I wasn't expecting a slap on the back, but I wasn't ready to be shut out of playgroups, or the focus of attention for being the only man in the room. I really didn't think that would matter too much. I thought we were all here for the kids (since we all really had better things to do anyway).

But I sincerely enjoy the time I've had with my daughter. And I do find, every now & then, Moms that do think it's great that I do what I do. I had to lower my expectations of society and every now and then, I am pleasantly surprised.

Curiously enough though, I found more support for my endeavor among my male peers and family members.

[hockeydad]

jeffus wrote:but I wasn't ready to be shut out of playgroups

Jeffus I can't imagine how that conversation must have gone. "No way you're a man, kids of men cannot play with kids of women". However it was put that must have been pretty surreal. Think I would have blown my top. :x

[thoth187]

I just delt with that kind of thing a few days ago. I found a group for stay at homes with newborns. Well, they should change the ad they placed to read " stay at home MOMS".
I gave this (cough) fine group a call after reading the ad they posted at one of our local coffee shops. The woman on the other end of the line gave me a fair amount of grief. " Sorry dear, we are a nurturing group for stay at home moms. We just don't think you would fit in." she said to me. ( needless to say she had the pleasure of 5 minutes worth of re-education. :twisted: )
Her issue with a man in the group came from her lack of reasoning ability. She had the gull to inform me that a man could never change a diaper or feed a child in the same way a woman could. Last time I checked a dirty diaper is a dirty diaper.

[Weston]

Are you serious??!!

oh man....

:evil:

[Jackson's Dad]

She had the gull to inform me that a man could never change a diaper or feed a child in the same way a woman could.

Wait, which end does the diaper go on?

:wink:

[jeffus]

I always get confused on which end the diaper goes on...Oh, that's right, she's potty trained and doesn't wear diapers anymore! I'll be the next one in diapers and hope my daughter gets it right.

However, I did take the kinder to see 'The Incredibles" today. I got the cheerful box-office attendant who JUST HAD to say it. Come on, go ahead, guess - had enough? OK She Said, "SO IT'S YOUR DAY TO BABYSIT?"

Ughhhhhh! So after mentally poking this mental midgets eyes out, she directs us to the wrong theater. Turns out we're watching "The Polar Express" (which i pretty much hear sucks - so this is really going great now!).

We up and leave and I'm informed that it's time for a potty break (which is actually nice to hear, instead of dealing with the potential downside).

After P-break, we find an attendant and I ask her where "The Incredibles" are playing? Ok Now don't jump all over me - the attendant was "mentally challenged" OK? Besides the slurred speech (that we're all guilty of after a few drinks), she was quite capable and informed me that the start times changed. Where I'm from, movie times change on Fridays - not Tuesdays! Apparently, anything goes here!

Ok, so now I'm armed with my paid ticket, dragging a 3 year old who wants to see 'Finding Nemo" - we're going to see a movie - darnit (edited for content).

I start opening every door to this 10 theater videodrome from hell and find a theater that's actually showing the movie we paid for and about 15 minutes into it. So we finally go in and watch the movie......

She was good. Movie was good. But, as usual, nothing is as easy as it seems.....Overall, it was a good day!

[Jackson's Dad]

You came in late? Too bad, the best part happens in the first 10 minutes! (Just joking.)

I just had the "you babysitting tonight?" happen for the first time. My wife and I took the boy shopping, and I was rolling him through the beer section (must begin the training early) when someone asked. Odd. Why assume that so fast?

I guess everyone thinks they should say SOMETHING, anything (he is a gorgeous kid after all, outshining anything in their humdrum lives) yet gets brain-freeze over the pressue of exactly what to say. There are only so many options that society allows:
(a) How old is he?
(b) What a cute kid, he must get it from you
(c) Your child is so happy and well-adjusted that he obviously must come from an extremely balanced and thoughtful home filled with parents who work hard as a team to provide him the best care
(d) Your turn to babysit? (nudge nudge)

And so, they look at you and your baby, knowing they have to say something quick, they go through the list in their minds: (a) is trite, scratch that. (b) sounds like they are hitting on you, (c) is just too outlandish to be true, so (d).... yeah, (d) that's it! Boneheads.

I suppose its like the brain freeze that comes over people who meet twins. A good friend is a twin, and her eyes shoot daggers every time someone asks "how do you tell each other apart? har har".

[jeffus]

You came in late? Too bad, the best part happens in the first 10 minutes! (Just joking.)

The best part was my daughter announcing a Potty Break!!!! :supz:

[jeffus]

Jeffus I can't imagine how that conversation must have gone. "No way you're a man, kids of men cannot play with kids of women". However it was put that must have been pretty surreal. Think I would have blown my top. :x

I posted this 'event' on the previous incarnation of this site...

My town has a "Mommies Playgroup" every week at the recreation center. They launched it with a big article in the paper, messages on the rec center's marquee, and newsletters to the community.

My wife found it in the paper and kind of hid it from me until she could look into it a little more. She wasn't hiding it from me per se, but she was curious how much the newpaper article focused on the mommy aspect and made no mention of Dads.

She called the rec center and asked if SAHD's would be welcomed. They said um, err, umm, well - here's the phone number for the lady who organizes it, why don't you give her a call? She did. Left a message. Left another message. No return phone call.

So she calls the town again to ask if Daddys would be welcomed. They try to give her the organizer's # again. She says tried that, they didn't respond, I need an answer from you - now! This time she gets an answer - No.

Now, my wife is a cool customer. Nothing fazes her, and almost nothing pisses her off (admittedly, there are a couple of tense moments every month). This is when I find the 'accidentally' placed newpaper clipping regarding the Mommies Playgroup. Since this is the first time I've seen it, I'm excited. Hey, playgroup in town - let's go! Show it to wife. I thought she cut it out for me. Hah! She tells me "We wouldn't be welcomed".

Whaaaat? Whaddya mean? She tells me the tale. I listen shocked, dismayed, and once again, disappointed by society.

After all the visceral reactions are discussed (WTF, our daughter's damaged goods because she was raised by me, etc.) We come to the realization that they can't discriminate - this is a public service provided on public property and paid for with public funds.

So, in a delicate balance of general disdain for these Mommies (I'm not sure if I want to hang out with them either), us not wanting to try to get involved cause we'll get shunned & kicked out & that would cause damage to our daughter, and not wanting to sound like a sniveling weenie - we've pretty much avoided the playgroup.

But every now and then, I do get generally pissed off about the whole thing and get the documents to file a lawsuit. It's very easy. Go to the clerk's office and ask. It's every American's right to be able to sue anybody, anytime, over anything (except the federal government). And when you're filling them out - ask yourself if you want to actually go into a courtroom and argue the case, ask yourself if you want reporters calling you, ask yourself if you're devoted enough to have ABC, CNN, FOX, etc. vans parked outside your home waiting for a soundbite.

I figured it'd be easier to wait until kindergarten when all the kids come together and ours smokes them in every category. And fair turnabout as our daughter delivers her Valedictorian speech at graduation before attending Princeton on full scholarship (yeah, right - can you say student loan!) I'll be the guy nodding and remembering that no one wanted us/her in their 'playgroup'. So there!

[hockeydad]

thoth wrote:She had the gull to inform me that a man could never change a diaper or feed a child in the same way a woman could

diapers? what are those? I've just been using mixing bowls. It's a tough catch but I I finally got the timing down. Are you saying there is an easier way. :wink:

[hockeydad]

Yup, Jeffus I would have blown my top. :x

Don't think I'd go through the hassle of the legal thing though. A well placed call to a local news station or newspaper - maybe.

I haven't got the "dad's day to babysit" one yet. But I have got the "you sure have your hands full" comment about a thousand times. Probably not exagerating much either. Especially during the summer and early fall
when I was always out around town. I use to give the wife an end of the day count as to how many times it was said. Often above 5. I know some SAHM's. None of them report this phenomenon.

[Don-Dad]

Man, I need to check the threads at the bottom of the site more often. This is a good one :)

Next time you call a playgroup and they give you a hard time just say "I'm one operation away from being a women, can i join after my last surgery?" hehehe