Learning to cope with the isolation

[Anonymous]

I'm a new stay at home dad. I have always worked up until my son was born, my son is now 6 months old and we moved to a new city where my wife is a dentist. She has family at her new location and I am coping with not only being a stay at home dad but leaving all of my old friends and job behind. My wife and decided that it would be best for me to stay at home and raise our son but I am not only alone in the sense of this new experience but have no outside friends to relieve the day to day pressures. I enjoy every minute of spending time with my son but sometimes wonder if I will ever meet the friends that a regular job usually brings. I find that my wife is often tired at the end of the day and her time is split with me and my son, and sometimes our time together suffers. She seems to be less interested in our private time and worry that it may only get worse. I would like someone to tell me that it is only temporary, and that she will come around. Please tell me that this is just a phase and it will all change.

[Don-Dad]

Huskrlvr, first off, please sign up, this site is a good way to connect with others in your situation and as you will see, great for advice.

I had a similar situation when we moved to my wifes home town. I quit my job to stay home with our son then 11 months later we moved. I was lucky enough to have some college friends in the area but I had a feeling of isolation.

Have you found some activities you can do with your child that involves other parents like Gymboree or the place that was my savior, the YMCA. You might run into another stay at home dad. Many gyms have sitter services, like theh YMCA in my area, they watch the little one while you work out. You can work off some stress that way ;)

You and your family have alot going on, new child, new job for your wife, a move, all stressful events. You never know where you might meet some new friends. I advise you to start looking for activites geared towards toddlers. At least getting out and socializing a little with moms or dads with give you some adult interaction during the day.

This board is a great place to vent and make some "virtual" friends. Who knows, maybe even a dad on this board lives in your area?

[Weston]

Hi Huskr,

First off, You've found the right site. You can vent, complain, and just pal around with the rest of us all you want. So take Don's suggestion and sign up.

My son is five months old now, and it came as a bit of a shock to me how hard it was to deal with the lack of adult interaction. The internet has helped a lot, but also I make it a point to get out of the house atleast every other day for a while. This way I run into other adults, and am able to start a conversation with somebody (what better conv. starter than a cute baby and his dad together?)

Another thing I make a habit of doing is meeting my wife for lunch or just dropping by during the day every once in a while.

Good luck and keep posting,
Mike

[dad305]

Hey Huskrlvr, little to add to the advice from Don and Mike. Except perhaps another invitation to sign up.

In response to your concern my opinion is that for most people it is a temporary phase. However this doesn't mean one doesn't have to work hard at it and the situation will improve on its own.

It's up to you to identify opportunities to have quality time with your other half and capitalize on those opportunities.
Even if it is for short periods of time.

Good luck!

[2nd time around]

I understand how you feel. I moved to the east coast, from Washington state, in 2002 to be with my wife and was lucky to find a job within a couple months of arriving. Made some work "friends" but when we made the decision that I would stay home those "friends" all but disapeared. I work part time so that helps a little, do get some adult interaction, but get lonely sometimes during the day and wish I had a group of "boys" to hang out with once in awhile. Knowing that I am doing the right thing for our son keeps me going and eventually, as he gets older, will do the YMCA thing and meet some people. Good luck.

[Jackson's Dad]

I've had a similar experience. We moved in March from San Francisco to New Jersey, to be near my wife's family. Our boy was then born in June. I have no friends here yet, and work from home, so the lack of adult interaction has been tough at times. Luckily, I get along great with the wife's family, so at least we have some places to go on the weekends (and that all-important help from the grandparents). And luckily, I love our new house, since I rarely get to go outside it, except for walking the dog.

The irony is that nearly all of our friends are going through something similar. It's not that we left them all in SF -- everyone lately has been moving, all around the globe, for some reason. We are now all scattered, making it hard to keep in touch. You do what you can, I suppose.

This forum has been a big help. I also last month was able to take a 2-day seminar for my business in the city, which was great -- it felt so good to be "just a professional" for a couple days. I hope I can find more classes like this to take off for a little here and there. (I'm in the lucky situation that both my wife and I work from home, so there's always someone around.)

Huskrivr, regarding your relationship with your wife... it probably feels worse that it is. The lonliness and mind-crushing boring repetitive nature of childcare makes small things seem big. We talk about this stuff endlessly. It takes constant work to resolve even tiny meaningless disputes, nipping them in the bud before they take hold. I think one thing that helped us is realizing (and discussing this together) that even when it looks like the other person isn't doing their share, or isn't understanding, that they are. We agreed to always assume that the other person was doing just as much work, or was dealing with just as many personal issue, even if it looked like this wasn't true.

If she seems less interested in personal time, you just have to realize that (a) you are going through a lot, (b) she's going through a lot, and (c) you need to talk about it. But talk about it from a positive view point -- never ever accuse her or blame or anything. Just start it out like "I miss spending time with you. I can't wait until we can do that more." Don't worry about actually resolving anything -- that takes time -- just stoke the conversation a little each day.

[thoth187]

I'm also new to this site. I moved form California to the midwest 8 years ago. Since the birth of our daughter a month ago most of our friends have vanished. For some reason they look down on me because I first stayed at home with our 5 year old for a few monthes prior to school starting, then desided to stay at home with our daughter as well. ( to be honest I don't need friends like that)
Listen to what the other members have said. Find something to do when you do have some free time. Ask any family members in the area to watch your children for awhile. All of my family lives in California but my wife grew up in this area . With out her parents I would have lost it a long time ago.
Most YMCA's have a child drop off area you can use while you work out. Even an hour to your self while you work out or swim can do wonders.

[hockeydad]

Howdy huskrivr

Everyone seems to be throwing in some good advice. I'll probably break that trend but here goes: I was never a guy who hung out with work folks - partly because I worked with 8 billion middle aged women and chatting about their divorces or being compared to their sons got old. So I haven't missed that part. I met most of my friends around here through hockey, which is a big thing in this town. Not that I'm saying run out and join a hockey team (although I do recommend it). But that there are other ways to make good adult friends outside work. It took a while. I remember a lot of long hikes by myself when I first moved to town (wasn't married yet) but after only a couple of years it all turned around.

Marriage is all about communication and compromise (I'm sure you know that). Keep talking and looking for middle ground and things will hopefully work out. Unless she brings home one of those big scary dental drills. In which case: give in immediately and do whatever she says.

Come back and sign up. It'll take the edge off the boredom.

[Weston]

No Hock, you did give some good advice...especially the drill part...man, those things give me the willies!
:shock: