Toddler Tantrums

[tt3]

Ok guys, here's a good one for you.

I seriously can't go a day without squirt melting down into a screaming kicking beast.
Usually, afterwards with a little thinking on my part I figure out why she did and what to do to try and avoid it next time. Some times, there just is no avoiding it.
Ok, so, what do you cats do?

I'll say what I don't do anyway. I don't shout back, thats useless. I don't strike, that sends the wrong message. Mostly I just talk quietly to her until she listens, but thats getting maddening. Hey, I've even just left the room. You know what she does? Yeah, gets up off the floor, and walks into where I am to start again! Toddlers :roll:

Lets hear it, what do you guys do, either to avoid it or deal with it when it comes. Or tell me I'm crap and should go back to catching frogs for a living or something. ;)

[Indy]

I plan to trade ours in when she reaches that point. I can do that, right?

[Patrickz]

From what I have read and seen on Dr. Phil the trick is not to give in to their demands. That will only make it worse the next time. I am reading a book by Dr. Harvey Karp "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and it has some really good stuff in there on the subject. Thats pretty funny about the following into the room bit.i :P

[SideShowCecil]

This is something I saw about eight years ago, it’s stuck with me and I think I’ll give it a try myself when time comes.

A young couple was preparing their 4 to 5 year old daughter to leave a public rec. centre. The little girl was clearly not interested in leaving and was gearing up for a fit. She stated jumping up and down shouting ‘But I don’t want to go o o o o o o !’. The two parents mimicked her jumping and tone of voice replying ‘But you have to oo oo oo oo !’ The girl immediately switched from tantrum to quiet anger mode and stomped off towards the exit.

[TobiasClassic5]

My wifes girlfriend, Nichole, has a five year old daughter, Madison, and when Maddy would throw a fit, Nichole would calmly say "I'm going to ignore you if you are going to throw a fit." Then she would walk out of the room. If Maddy followed her, Nichole would just sit on the couch and ignore the child. Yeah, there was some blood curdling screaming but she learned that throwing a fit got her nowhere. And now she never does that.

[homewithtwins]

We are going through this phase x2. Ignoring is what we are trying. Dinner time last night was not fun. We just sent them away from the table and tried to have a conversation over the screaming. Two hours later we reheated their dinner in the microwave and amazingly, they ate it with few complaints.

An hour long two child tantrum makes you age really fast.

[tt3]

An hour long two child tantrum makes you age really fast.

:shock:

man, i bet!

[Thundercranium]

Mine is a little young for this as yet, but the ignoring strategy worked for my sister.

One day my two sisters were walking through the local mall, when my three year old neice decided to pitch a full-blown fit. There she was, screaming at the top of her lungs, writhing on the mall floor. My older sister advised the child's mother to simply walk away and leave her, to which my younger sister replied "But what if somebody takes her!". Wisely, my older sister's response was "Look at her! Who in their right mind would want her!". :D

They walked around a corner and watched. The tantrum ended as soon as they were out of sight.

[tt3]

Its not really "underdeveloped" its more totally appropiate for the age. Running into frustrating things and not having the control or tools to deal in ways we find acceptable. Its finding the right way to nip it when it comes or give some better tools to deal with it is where it gets frustrating for me.
Anyway, got a book or two to read, we'll see how it goes.

[dad305]

When Gabriella had her tantrums we'd send her to her room to cry her heart out. We gave her permission to scream as loud as she could until she'd let it all out. Usually it lasted a few minutes. Then she would compose herself and come back out.

Sebastian threw a fit as I was entering Costco the other day because she did not want to ride in the cart. I pulled the cart back out of the store to the parking lot and told him; "Ok buddy, the space is all yours to fill with noise" It took him about 15 minutes.

People were walking by looking at me working on my planner and I'm sure they were wondering why was I being so cruel ignoring my little monster...

[Weston]

Hey Tony, I wonder if its the new addition to the family thats helping the tantrums along. I don't know if she's too young to be jealous, but maybe she's used to more attention?

[tt3]

Hey Tony, I wonder if its the new addition to the family thats helping the tantrums along. I don't know if she's too young to be jealous, but maybe she's used to more attention?

Yeah, thats a good thought too, it can't be helping anyway :lol:

It's going to be a learning experience for us all.

Thanks for the words guys!

[hockeydad]

Big fan of ignoring, talking, and preemptive thinking but it sounds like you've tried those things and they are falling short. Normally I'd say go get some good kid books for her but there aren't many good ones out there about emotions and how to handle them. There are a couple that define moods "happy, sad, angry, mad" but not what to do with them. Ten billion on how to say abc and 123 but very few on what to do when they don't get the toy they want.

My big problem with this is what if the child is a visual learner. We always talk to kids about tantrums but what if they don't learn well through words. Talking to me goes in one ear then out the other and I'm in my thirties, but if I can see it I learn it. (Why I prefer maps to directions)

Try taking pictures of her during the tantrum, pictures of what caused the tantrum, then after the explosion subsides talk to her about what other things she could have done instead. Take pictures of those - maybe of her even pretending to do them. Put into a book or poster form. Or try videotaping a tantrum and videotaping her in a calm state then show her. Add that to the talking, ignoring, and preempting strategies and see if it does anything.

[dad305]

Good advice Hockeydad. The other day I videotaped our daughter from outside her room in one of ther tantrums (she did not want to do homework). I just had the sound but when we played it for her she felt really embarrased and could not believe it.

I could have kicked myself for not thinking of it before.

[tt3]

Ohhooo! Now there's a good idea. I can even put it on dvd, since most of the melts come in the living room. "Here Tara, this is you throwing a tantrum. This is you asking nicely for what you want."
I like that idea, I'll let you know how it works!

[Weston]

Think it would work for wives too? :lol:

[tt3]

Wanna risk it? :twisted:

:lol:

[tt3]

Ok guys, I think this is going to be a long one...
My budding strategy, feel free to poke holes along the way. First some words, though. I've found in reading a little online and in our paper a fellow who's philosophies most mirror mine and expectations of how my kids should behave. John Rosemond, he's got some very traditional views on discipline and child rearing that at the core seem to agree with mine, so thats the book I've been reading. One interesting side note, he points out that parenting styles mostly boils down to your preference, not so much right and wrong. I'm probably going to butcher any other ideas he's got so I'll stop right there.
Ok, our house is pretty kid friendly, she's got free reign of maybe 80% with mom and dads room, the bathroom, and the basement off limits without explicit permission. Lots of room to explore and all that. I'm also one of the really wierd parents that feel tv is evil incarnate, said tongue in cheek, but we don't have it on during the day. She does watch Dora before bed, and weekends are a different story. (Thats one where wifey and I dissagree, but not strongly enough to make an issue out of it.)
Whats my point? I don't know, delay tactics probably.
Ok, here goes. My first mistake was thinking that tantrums can be avoided. She's 2 for pete's sake. They're going to happen regardless. If I try to avoid them it means she's getting what she wants when she wants all the time and I'm stepping around on egg shells all day. Doesn't sound fun to me, and not really fair to her.
She's got a lot of freedom to roam and explore, and she's good at it, I think thats half the battle, doesn't need entertaining all the time.
I've got an entry way in the front of the house thats kind of a small space. That will be her tantrum place. A nice mix of ignoring but in my control. Sure, have your tantrum but do it in the tantrum place. That way she's the one that has to move, not me.
He's got an interesting idea about time-outs for this age. Its not about punishment really but about reestablishing control... (again, it make sense to me, but I don't write about this stuff so I'll end up butchering it.) His advice is, when a behavior that is a definate no occures, ie hitting, go to the corner, naughty chair, whatever, place them and tell them that they need to stay there until you say they can leave. Take two steps away and tell them its ok to get up (seeing as they're getting up anyway.) That way, he says, it seems you are controlling the situation. He assures within a week or two they'll be able to stay there for half a minute waiting for your permission if you gradually increase it. Also the extent of it until she turns 3 and makes some more leaps in control.
Control funny, as she just woke up and I gotta go! :lol:
I think there's more to come, but...
k, guys start poking!

[Jackson's Dad]

No poking Tony, sounds good. The idea of control vs discipline is right on. We learned that from raising our dog.

When your pup doesn't something unacceptible to the pack, you don't discipline them (hitting, yelling, etc) because that just demonstrates you have lost control, that you are no longer the alpha dog. It's not that the dog wants to be in charge, but they instinctively feel the need for *someone* to be in charge. If it isn't you (because you are yelling) then they grudgingly will take it on themselves (and ignore your protests).

But likewise, you can't be too lenient either -- you need to change how you act (talking firmer and lower, forcing them to stop their bad behavior) so they know you are unhappy, and that there are consequences.You have to maintain absolute control (over yourself) and be firm and consistent consistent consistent. They learn that they can't "win". From what I've learned, this is similar to toddlers. But we'll see once our tyke hits tantrum age!

[tt3]

Thanks for the input Dan.
Maybe some other guys have some input as well???

Guys?

guys?

[jeffus]

My daughter's a little older but here's a great little thing we found that's working pretty well. We got a refrigerator magnet from a health care company that has a bunch of emotions on it with faces that match the emotions. You know - mad, sad, shy, cautious, etc. At first, we would let her point out the emotion and my wife & I would act out the emotion. She'd watch and learn and soon she'd be acting them out too. Besides expanding her vocabulary, it introduced her to the things we call emotions. These days, we ask her whats bugging her and she'll walk over and point to the appropriate face. I'm frustrated, mad, bored. Even if she can't say all the words, she doesn't need to - she justs finds the picture that covers it.

I couldn't tell ya what age is appropriate for but she's 3.5 now.

Sure, there are times when a meltdown occurs. This one likes to go limp as her act of defiance/non-compliance, so at least (ususally) there isn't a lot of crying. I/we usually just pick her up and put her in her bed. Either she'd fall asleep or cry for a few minutes & then play quietly by herself & come out when invited or when she was ready.

The only other thing I offer: 2 minutes is an eternity to a little one. It's pretty easy to wait it out for a few minutes.

If all else fails, there's earplugs! :D

[Porschephile]

Great advice here from an oldie but goodie!