New dad

[Indydad]

Hello. I'm a new stay-at-home-dad. Have any advice for me? I have a 5-month old and am struggling with balancing all the different parts of my life. I'm worried that my career is being tossed out the window. I don't have time to spend with my wife anymore. I would like to connect with other dads/parents but am not that outgoing. Also, I don't seem to have as much patience for dealing with a baby as I thought I would. Words of encouragement would be appreciated.

[Don-Dad]

Welcome Indydad!

Your feelings are normal. Your embarking on a new and very different journey. Your post is not the first to mention having issues adjusting. Hang tough, it will get better, maybe not easier though :wink:

[mnsahd]

Welcome Indy!

This, like any other job, must have some structure and meaning. I suggest that you prioritize your day. Have a baby list of things to do daily. Have a Momma list of things to do daily. And of course, have a cleaning list of things to do daily...like this... (http://mnsahd.com/018.htm)

You could always up with your career by keeping in touch with those that are currently working in that field, and of course, do research on your own. Do not feel that you are throwing it out of the window.

As far as time with your wife, just include her in as much as you can in your new position. This does mean to let her do your job, just make her a part of what is happening. You are a family after all. As the little one grows, it will be much easier to find the time to spend with your wife. Whenever you can, plan a date. Find a family member or sitter that you can trust and go out to do anything. Sit in the car and talk. Go out for a bite to eat. Run some errands. It does not have to be an all nighter, just some time to yourselves. I have found this to be very beneficial (and you will score tremendous points with Momma).

At five months of age, you will find that your patience might be thin, but it will get better, I promise. Just keep your wits about you when the stress level climbs. I used to put my daughter in her crib and step outside for five minutes. I came back inside with a clear head and went about my duties. Trust me, I took a lot of five minute breaks.

As time goes by, you will get better and better at this, just as we all have. I am glad that you have chosen to become a part of this great support team and am looking forward to hearing from you in the future!

[jeffus]

It may be tough on you....but here's a letter from the crib:

Dear Daddy:
Woke up hungry this morning - needed a bottle and you were there for me - Thanks!
Woke up wet this morning - needed a clean diaper (by the way, what's a diaper?) and you made me dry and happy - Thanks!
I was bored and needed someone to play with - you played with me - Thanks!
I lost my binky and couldn't find it! - you found it and made the world right again! - Thanks!
I keep trying to figure out what these arms & hands and legs & toes are for, since I never had them before - you tickled my foot and held my hand - Thanks!
The world seems like a scary place, but just a little better when I know you're there for me - Thanks!

Regards,
Your baby's name here...

Stick with it! In a couple months, it'll be just amazing fun. Right now, it's tough, I know...Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Hey Indydad.

First off welcome to our little world. My apologies in advance if this post gets a bit long winded.

There's been a lot of great advice here thus far and there are scant few who don't share your sentiments. I think we've all been down that road and it's hard work no two ways about it. I'm going to focus on professional attributes as I view the personal ones as diverse and sensitive issues. I for one left a promising and very challenging career to be a dad and fought with those demons for many months. Big tonka toys, heavy construction, competing egos, long hours, crazy deadlines and organized chaos all around. Call me crazy but by gaw did I just loved it and still miss it some days. Some of us are in it for the long haul and others (like myself) will return to work either continuing our chosen field or will try something else, but they're many skill sets you're inadvertently picking up as a SAHD that'll assist you and set you apart as a leader in an otherwise monochromatic pack. The most rewarding skill I've gained is one you've touched on, patience.

For me it's being able to switch mindsets such that the rising stress and 'panic' doesn't shake me loose. The kids wailing, the wife's panicking
there has to be one cooler head in the malestrom who can step in and quietly take charge without ruffling feathers. As the rest of these guys can attest I didn't come by this easily. :oops: I'd say it took me the better part of a year (and the occassional ribbing from Don-dad, Dan and Jeff :) ).

Another aspect of patience which'll serve you well is taking the long sighted approach. By maintaining this view the niggling day to day issues will seem rather trite and consequently manageable. Case in point in the corporate world. The CEO of my former company (who was a retired corp exec from Dames and Moore) after shooting the breeze for a few minutes said somewhat whistfully how the company isn't stabilizing and subsequently growing favorably as we're all obsessed with the current "monkey on our plates" Nobody was taking a long term view on what's going to happen in the next 5 to 10 years instead we were burning ourselves out just trying to keep ourselves ahead with the day to day operations. Kind of like hampsters on a stationary treadmil, we were getting nowhere (sobering words from a guy who ran with the biggest dogs in the business). You and your spouse probably have strong ideas about the level of stability in personality and constitution you want you child to develop. The long term goal is to invest carefully and wisely in your childs future by controling and shaping the right environment for him or her to grow and you've actively engaged in that long term goal Nothing profound there but so few chose this difficult path as they're so entrenched the day to day grinding attrition. As your child develops and becomes more interactive you'll see the rewards of your efforts.

Today, for example, my 20 month old helped me assemble a tv cabinet, handing me the correct screws, helping me nail in the back panel and sitting on my lap as 'we' aligned the doors. Such attributes are somewhat profound (aside from the fact he might be abe to put in a Union card soon) in that he's well past the basic shapes in a box game. These aren't the things a child will pick up in day care at that age.

As a side note, the breather and the long term view will also let you see avenues in your career path that you'd have otherwise missed while in the thick of your treadmill.

If your goal is to return to the working arena in a year or two, stay in contact with your professional peers and continue networking (The network is darned important as the above traits are hard to put on a resume). One of the questions you might be asked in your interview is what have you been doing to stay current with changing regulations etc. If you can afford it, attend the occassional seminar (I've found a few online workshops in my area of expertise). Offer one of your colleagues a helping hand with a project to keep those gears in trim and look about doing some consulting work. Companies just love folks who don't tax their overhead in benefits (30% of an employees salary btw) and your own corporation will do some amazing things around tax time. Figure on one hit in 20-30 at start so expect quite a few 'no thanks'. Lastly, in about a year you'll be surprised at how well you manage your time. Take some of that time out to study for and acquire a certification of some sort which will be valid in your profession.

Jeepers was this long. As Red Green put it "We're rootin for ya. Remember, we're all in this together"